Running Uphill
by warriorgrrrl
Summary: Helen Forrest is the only survivor from a decimated colony rescued by the Enterprise. She thought her life had changed a lot already; what she didn't know, was how much more it was still going to. Bones/OC, possible Jim/OC. My first ST fic; don't flame!
1. Hysteric

**Well, welcome to my first ST fic! This is a oneshot that kinda spawned into something entirely different, and there's now four chapters; I'll post the rest depending on how well received this is. I tried a different writing style from what I usually do, which is present tense, so I'd really like to know if it's good or if I should go back to a more past tense prose.**

**Notes: regular font is present, italicized are Helen's memories; in way, it's two stories in one.**

**Disclaimer: don't own Star Trek, and if I did, I wouldn't be here. **

**~*~*~*~**

**Running Uphill **

**Chapter 1: Hysteric**

It's late, I know full well, but my heart won't let me sleep. The halls of the starship are empty of life for now, but I know that won't last for long; shift changes are going to start in an hour. Turning left twice more, I find myself at my destination. And for the hundredth time tonight, my heart seems to jolt to a stop and I can barely get my fingers working to break the security code.

~*~*~*~

"_Get out of the way!" somebody roared above me. The voice I would learn later belonged to Dr. Leonard McCoy, but at the moment, I was half unconscious and trying not to scream out from the pain. I was jostled gently as several pairs of hands placed me on a hard yet yielding surface. I couldn't move if my life depended on it; the pain was awful. I vaguely heard something rip, then cool air hit my chest and abdomen; somebody had cut or torn off my tunic, undoubtedly to observe the wounds that lay underneath it. "Christ..."_

_It's the last word I hear before my world goes black at last._

_~*~*~*~_

I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing, breaking into an officer's cabin at three in the morning; logic is arguing that I should wait until proper morning, but then again I'm about as far from a Vulcan as you can get without being alien. But, I also remember the past events just hours ago, and that my heart is as impatient as my mind is stubborn. Somehow, my fingers start moving deftly over the small console.

The door slides open with a slight hiss, light falling into the cabin. I can see him now, fast asleep on the couch. My heart stops yet again.

~*~*~*~

"_How are you feeling?" asks the man with blonde hair and eyes as blue as a perfect fall day. I momentarily stared at him, admiring his beautiful eyes; blue eyes had always been my undoing. He introduced himself as Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise, the ship I was now on._

"_Still a little sore," I told him, "But much better than before." He smiled, and my legs turned to butter. "I'm Helen."_

"_You wouldn't happen to be a princess of Troy, would you? Because that face of yours could launch a thousand ships," he said easily, pushing a wisp of my dark hair out of my eyes. I blushed like never before; I'd never considered myself pretty before. _

"_T−Thank you," I stammered, hiding behind my hair._

"_Jim, stop antagonizing my patient," snapped that deep, slightly accented voice. I was startled into looking up; another man had just entered the room. He was handsome as well, although maybe not as blindingly obvious as Jim; his was an acquired but still wonderful look. His hair was almost the exact same shade as mine, but it was his eyes that were so surprising. They were the darkest hazel I had ever seen, but it was like looking into a forest with a yellow sunset. For once, I wondered if hazel eyes would replace my coveted blue. _

_Jim simply rolled his eyes, letting the dark haired man past him. _

"_How are you feeling?" he said sharply, and waved a small light in my eyes, watching my pupils' reflex. I blinked, shying away from the light instinctually._

"_Fine, although I still hurt on my chest and back," I answered again. He looked at me sharply._

"_I see... I'm Dr. McCoy. You said your name's Helen? May I call you that?" he said at last. I nodded, trying to not to concentrate on how the way he said my name sent shivers down my spine. "Alright Helen, I have to look at your wounds. It might... look very shocking at first, but I promise that there will barely be any scarring."_

_At this, my blood ran cold, and I looked fearfully from the doctor to Jim. As if getting the point, he shooed Jim out of Sick Bay and drew a curtain around us. As he started to slowly peel away the bandages that encircled much of my torso, he gave me a wary and yet comforting look._

"_You don't have to look, Helen," he murmured. I bit my lip, determined to show this man I was made of sterner stuff. Reading my look, he gave a slight sigh and concentrated on my bandages. The pain slowly increased as the layers fell away, and I was disturbed by the amount of rust coloured blood that was spotting the soft fibres. Giving one last look at me, the doctor unwound the last layer as quickly as possible._

_I never expected to see what I saw: my entire torso ripped to shreds by giant claws, red scars slicing across my pale skin in an ugly pattern. I started shaking, and I could feel my back trembling unnaturally with the tightness of healing._

"_I want to see," I rasped. The doctor's look grew sad, but he didn't deny my request. He disappeared for a few seconds, returning with a small silver square that unfolded into a large mirror. If I'd thought that I'd seen the worst already, I was horribly mistaken. I hardly recognized my body anymore. I looked exactly like the Rackla fodder I had been. The memories came rushing back like floodwater, and my emotions finally burst. I fell to the ground, sobbing._

_~*~*~*~_

He looks so absolutely perfect in the broken light from the hall, the shadows playing with his eyelashes, his nose, his lips. Barely breathing, I step over the threshold into his room. I know he may not be happy initially, but I think and hope that he will be extremely happy when I tell him my news.

~*~*~*~

_I was the only survivor; my parents, my siblings, all slaughtered by the Rackla. The doctor, whose name is Leonard as I did learn, thought it best for me to hear the story from Jim than from himself. I didn't understand why, but now I think was because when Jim speaks it somehow seems less harsh and safer. It did nothing to stem the horror of what happened to my family, or indeed the entire colony, but when I broke down sobbing, Jim's arms made me feel like maybe life wasn't entirely lost yet. I'd never been held before in such a way, and I never wanted to leave._

_It was many hours later when Jim finally left, but somehow he'd helped to start the long healing process I needed._

_~*~*~*~_

Now, I don't hesitate. The door closes with another little hiss, and the room is plunged into darkness. And somehow, the starlight finds a way to give it a pale glow. With soft steps, I walk forward. His breathing fills the cabin and my head. It fills me with a peace I haven't experienced in weeks.

~*~*~*~

_A few weeks had passed, and I found myself spending equal amounts of time with Leonard and Jim. Jim was the wild ride that I need to make me laugh, Leonard was the rock to keep me steady. Both of them were accommodating to me, although Jim went out of his way a little bit more. Leonard was always so busy, and I would often think that I got in the way more than kept him company. Still, it didn't explain his attitude to me in those weeks. Whereas Jim became more open and flirted so much it bordered on disgusting, Leonard withdrew from me, only speaking to me when he needed to look at my wounds. _

_Jim would laugh it off and reassure me that he was always like that, but I didn't fully believe him. Especially after Leonard walked in on Jim and I kissing. I'll never forget that look on his face; even Jim was embarrassed, and I knew that Leonard must have walked in on him making out with numerous women. _

"_Bones−" he tried to say, but Leonard was already gone. Jim cursed under his breath, and I looked up at him, my own skin crawling like I'd done something terrible._

"_What's wrong?" I asked._

"_I knew it, I _knew_ it," Jim said, pacing. He paused, looking at me. "You have to talk to him, Helen. I know he won't hurt you, and I'm not sure he won't hurt me right now." Without looking back, he disappeared to the nearest turbo lift, leaving me confused and a little hurt. Still, I needed to find out what had disturbed Leonard so badly. _

_I wasn't prepared for his revelation._

_~*~*~*~_

I stand for I don't know how long, simply studying the face that I now knew I loved. He isn't that old in all honesty, but his job has given him lines and a hardness that would otherwise be vacant. He shifts suddenly in his sleep, throwing one of his arms loosely over his chest. I become aware of a sudden sense of peace in my chest, and I pad softly to where he lays, sitting down beside the couch. I haven't been this close to his face since he told me how he felt.

~*~*~*~

"_Leonard?" I said tentatively, standing in the darkened doorway of his office. He stood at the window looking out to the stars with a stiffness to his shoulders I'd never seen. Not knowing what to do, I had to remind myself of what Jim had told me. I needed to talk to him. Walking on near silent feet, I paused just behind him, reaching out to touch his shoulder. Before I even knew what was happening, he whirled, grabbed my wrist and pulled me into a rough kiss that hit right at my soul. It was something Jim's kisses hadn't been able to do, pleasurable as they had been. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't respond right away. Then I leant in, gentling the kiss but drawing it out at the same time. Leonard's mouth fit mine perfectly. And just as suddenly as it was there, he was gone, pacing the room and shaking slightly._

"_Len, what's wrong?" I said finally, catching him so we were face to face. I was startled by the tortured pain in the dark hazel depths of his eyes. We only held each others gaze for a second before he looked away. As if on maternal instinct, I reached out, stroking the side of his stubbled cheek. He looked just past me, but I could see the deep well of emotions in his eyes, and my breath caught as realization that I had caused this dawned on me._

"_Helen, choose me or Jim, please, but stop toying with us. It's not right," he murmured huskily, looking at me again, and this time there was defeat. He was sure I'd pick Jim._

"_Oh Len," I whispered, backing away. Leonard didn't look at me again, just brushed past as he made his way back to sickbay. I was left in the dark office, trembling slightly and trying to concentrate on my thoughts._

_I didn't see either of them as I made my way through the ship as the day passed. Of course, I also spent a great deal of my time in my cabin thinking about what Leonard had said. If I was to be honest with myself, I hadn't even noticed that Len had taken a notice to me. But now his past behaviour made so much more sense. Whenever I was with him, he'd clam up until I could I get him to smile. And then he'd look at me with those beautiful eyes of his and we'd joke around. I knew at the time that I'd hoped he wanted more than friendship, but he'd never reciprocated the want to me, and by then Jim's flirting was starting to work very well. Now I had a decision to make, and even to me it sounded horrible. Choose Len or Jim. I pondered for hours, only moving when I had to use the bathroom, and I finally looked at what I wanted in a relationship. After that, my decision came swiftly. Opening the door to my cabin, I slipped into the deserted hallway, making my way to where his quarters were._

_~*~*~*~_

Len's hair is falling slightly over his brow, in a way that was enduring. Somehow I can't disturb his slumber now. With a soft sigh, I slowly trace a delicate design on his hand with the edge of my nail. Len murmurs in his sleep but doesn't awaken. Looking at him one last time, I stand up and make my way to the door.

"Helen," says a soft voice and I freeze, cursing my inability to sneak away unnoticed. Turning around slowly, I meet Len's sleepy hazel eyes with as much strength as I dare. "What are you doing here?"

"Nothing," I reply quickly, but I know my face is showing my lie. Len stands up, walking over to me. I notice the rips in the faded shirt, the peeks of skin and hair that show through. Then I look up, meeting those hazel eyes. It is hard to read his expression, but I would have to say his primary emotion is anger and confusion. He folds his arms, and I am suddenly reminded of how much larger and stronger Leonard is than me.

"Helen, either you tell me the truth right now or I'm calling security to have you escorted to the brig," he growls, his southern drawl coming out in stronger force. I swallow thickly, terrified.

"Len, please... I've been thinking about what you said, and... I've reached my decision," I mumble, looking down and twisting a lock of my hair. I can almost feel him stiffen; I hear his sharp intake of breath, and I know he's awaiting the word of defeat. I touch the side of his face like I had hours ago, and we finally meet eyes again. "I need to talk to Jim when he's awake about it, but I think he'll understand..."

"Helen, please, you're not making this easy," Len says, and this time there's a rough note of pain. A surge of impulsiveness goes down through me, and I stand on my toes, touching his lips to mine. Leonard freezes much the same as I had when he kissed me previously. As I pull away, I smooth the stubble on his cheeks with my hands.

"Len, I was sitting for hours, thinking about what I've always wanted in a man, for the long run, and I knew almost right away that Jim isn't that man, certainly not now. Then there was you. And I knew that it was you I wanted," I whisper, my eyes burning. I silently curse my over reactive emotions, but I barely have time to register the thought before there's a gentle finger wiping away the tear sliding down my cheek. My entire body seems to throb in rhythm with my heartbeat and I'm sure Leonard can feel it.

"Dammit, you," he laughs softly, continuing to stroke my cheek softly. I can't help but laugh as well, but there are still tears falling slowly down my face, streaking it red and salty. Len doesn't seem to care, for he starts kissing me, much softer than before. Even with the gentle kiss, I can feel the warmth in the room start to increase tenfold. At first all I'm aware of is his mouth, but then I feel smooth fingers exploring the folds of my uniform, and my heart stops once more. My own fingers are roaming Len's body, staying safe but obviously wanting a taste of danger.

Len seems to know what my body is saying even if my brain is still trying to process the situation, because he pulls me smoothly to the couch, his weight supporting us both. The warmth is now radiating from select places on my body, and I fight to remove my uniform just to relieve some of the heat. Len must be reading my mind, because his hands quickly move under the dress and he pulls it over my head with one swift movement, yet still mindful of my scars. Somehow it doesn't relieve the heat, but I'm not caring any more. Ripping at Len's shirt, I toss it to the floor, running my hands down his chest. Although it's not sculpted and washboard hard, I can tell that there's power beneath the skin and light covering of hair. Len slows for a minute, looking me in the eye. Both of us are near naked, with me in a bra and panties, Leonard in just his worn out pants; I can tell he's not wearing any underwear.

"Helen, I won't push you if you're not ready," he says, but his voice is husky with a quality I've never heard before, and I know he's lying through his teeth; he's barely controlling himself now. In response, I slowly sit up so I straddle his chest. Len's eyes widen slightly as I remove my bra, then work off my panties...

I do not know what time it is when we're finally silent, squashed a little uncomfortably on the couch. Leonard's drifted off to sleep again, but the sheen of sweat still glistens on his body. I've discovered a thermal blanket behind the couch and I pull it over us to keep us warm until duty wakes us. I lie against his chest, soaking in the comforting warmth, and stroke the side of his face, pushing wisps of damp hair away from his forehead. I'm reminded of a song I love, by a band long forgotten by almost everyone.

_...Flow sweetly, hang heavy,_

_You suddenly complete me,_

_You suddenly complete me..._

"You complete me, Len," I whisper softly. He doesn't answer, although a smile appears on his lips. With a smile of my own, I snuggle further down and close my eyes.

~*~*~*~

**Well, that's the first chapter; please review! But keep it constructive; depending on how this is received, I'll post the other chapters soon.**


	2. Soft Shock

**So here's chapter two! It takes place about a year after the first one, and again, it's written in oneshot form. In case you don't know, all the chapters are. The flashbacks will vary in length, depending on what the plot needs(they're basically explanation bits). **

**Also, I think I've finally got a real plot sorted out so these oneshots go together; I'm really excited, actually. I hope you guys are too!**

**So this chap is quite the bit more intense... And I hope Helen's character doesn't aggravate you too much; I actually really like her. I was also thinking about including a Bones POV to this, and if you want, I'll write it up and edit it in.**

**And finally, thank you to Ava and Con4ti for the alerts and Ava for my first comment! You guys totally made my day!!**

**Disclaimer: Still don't own, just lust over.**

**Soft Shock**

I wait as patiently as I can, studying the sparse items decorating Leonard's desk. I'm still shaking from my possible revelation, and I need to speak to him as soon as possible; this concerns him as much as me. I have never been so thankful that today is not a busy day in Sick Bay; he should be here shortly. I pick up the picture frame on Leonard's desk; it's the only one he displays openly, although a few other pictures are on the wall. One of the crew and one of his daughter. I have yet to meet Joanna, but Leonard has told me about her numerous times; I think she will share in the rejoicing of my news if it's true.

The door opens behind me, and Leonard walks in, looking tired as he usually does. He pulls up in surprise when he catches sight of me.

"Oh, Helen; what are you doing here?" he asks in surprise.

"I need you to run a body scan on me," I tell him, and the small quiver of excitement returns to my belly.

~*~*~*~

_I'd been ridiculously tired for a week now, and liable to snap at anyone. I had no idea why, and I was beginning to think that even Leonard was getting worried; normally he'd excuse my behaviour on my past, and it had been true for a while almost six months ago. However, since Leonard and I had pursued a relationship, I'd been sleeping better and relaxing a lot more. That had stopped about two weeks ago when my mood swings had started to kick in. I wanted to attribute them to PMS, but my period was still a few days away and I'd never had really bad PMS before. It was starting to scare me, especially when my temper snapped in front of the first officer a few days ago. It was a routine enough question, but I blew up in Spock's face._

_~*~*~*~_

Leonard doesn't move right away, and I can see worry in those beautiful hazel eyes of his.

"What's the matter?" he asks, tipping my head up with his fingers so he can check my glands. I hold back a sigh, letting him gently probe my neck just to give him the satisfaction that I'm not actually sick.

"I just need to check something... More or less to confirm a suspicion," I reply lightly, but I know that my tone is hiding barely suppressed hope and joy. Leonard catches it, and immediately he's suspicious, but for a different reason.

"Helen..." he says, and there's a hint of warning. I touch his lips softly with my fingertips, and he falls still again.

"Len, it's only a suspicion. A scan is the only way to confirm it," I say quietly, staring into his dark gaze with my best innocent and pleading look. Blinking once, he goes back into Sick Bay. For the first time, a prickle of worry battles with my excitement.

~*~*~*~

"_Lieutenant, are these the results for the latest test?" he'd asked, passing me a PADD with corrections to some warp drive tests I'd done yesterday. I looked at the PADD irritably, scrolling through the calculations and observations._

"_Yes, Commander," I snapped back, handing the PADD back._

"_You have made a slight mistake on this equation here; the antimatter concentration is eighteen percent, not nineteen," he replied calmly. I stared at him, unnecessary fury bubbling up through my veins._

"_Come again?" I rasped, standing up to full five feet and six inches. The Vulcan still towered over me, but I didn't care._

"_You made a slight−"_

"_I did nothing of the sort!" I screamed, "I double checked those data inputs three fucking times; they're right!"_

"_There is no need to raise your voice with me−"_

"_Like hell! How dare you accuse me of being wrong, you're the one who probably can't calculate anything worth shit!"_

_As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I'd gone much too far. The Bridge had gotten entirely too quiet as everyone stared at me and Spock. I clapped my hand over my mouth in horror, my eyes wide. Spock didn't move, although his eyebrow went up a little._

"_Lieutenant, my office, now," snapped Jim, getting up from his chair and heading for the turbo lift. I followed numbly, trying hard not to cry. Even though it's not far to Jim's office, it felt like an eternity before we finally got there. He sat behind his desk and pierced me with those blue eyes of his._

"_Care to explain that little outburst of yours?" he said quietly, but I could detect the undertone of anger and curiosity._

"_I−I don't know what happened, honestly. I know I shouldn't have gotten to so angry, but I couldn't stop it; it's like someone else was controlling my brain," I replied just as softly, looking at Jim and begging him mentally to not suspend me, or worse, demoted. He didn't say anything for a very long time, and I was almost ready to start bawling my eyes, when he finally opened his mouth again._

"_I believe you," he said simply, "At least when you say that you didn't mean to over react the way you did. However, I also know that neither of us is attributing this outburst to your past; you've been working here for almost eleven months, and from I've heard, you're one of the most pleasant crewmen to work with. Plus, from what Bones has told me, you're doing much, much better emotionally than even several months ago. And I know him; he won't make excuses for anyone, even someone he's romantically involved with. Even so... I have to ask. How are you doing?"_

_Seeing Jim look up at me with those eyes made me almost break down again; he'd been hurt when I'd told him that it wouldn't work, but he was also happy that I'd chosen Leonard. Despite my love for Len, those blue eyes still made my heart go a little faster._

"_Fine, really. I haven't had any nightmares, breakdowns, and Len and I are doing fine; I have no idea where this came from," I said finally, twisting my hands. Jim nodded once more, and he got up, wrapping me in a quick hug before holding me at arms length._

"_Okay. I want you to take the rest of your shift off and get some rest; you look like you could use it," he said as he left. I nodded in agreement, and headed down to the mess hall. I was just expecting to get a cup of tea and maybe a bagel; I got a whole lot more._

_Nyota was also sitting in the mess hall, reading a PADD and sipping at something hot. She waved me over almost immediately, a small smile on her face. Grabbing my tea and a leftover roll, I joined her somewhat hesitantly._

"_Hey, how you doing?" she asked kindly. I barely controlled rolling my eyes, but stuffing the roll into my mouth saved me._

"_Everyone's asking me that. And I'm fine," I replied almost sarcastically, drawing a laugh from her._

"_I can tell," she said, then her dark eyes grew more serious. "But seriously Helen; everyone seems to think that today's outburst−" _

"_How on earth do you already know about that?"_

"_News spreads fast, especially when the captain calls you away," she said wryly, "Anyway, everyone does or will think that today was an isolated incident. However, I've been watching you closely this past week, and I _know_ something's up. You're certainly a lot more moody, and yesterday you ate enough for two."_

_I blushed crimson at her words; so it wasn't just Leonard who'd noticed my ravenous appetite. We sat in silence for a minute, both of us staring at our mugs._

"_Do you mind if I ask you a question? It's kind of personal..."_

_I raised my eyebrows in surprise, but let her go ahead. She seemed a little embarrassed._

"_Have you and Dr. McCoy been... busy lately?"_

"_No, not for a several weeks now," I answered, getting even more perplexed. She nodded slowly, then looked me straight in the eye._

"_Could you be pregnant?"_

_~*~*~*~_

At the time, I readily denied it, but now I am almost certain Nyota is right; it explains my mood swings, my eating double helpings, and as of late, my bouts of dizziness. As they don't have standard pregnancy tests on board, the easiest way to tell is to get a scan done. I still feel excited, but Len's obvious reluctance to do anything now has me worried; if I am indeed pregnant with our baby, will he be able to accept it? I know I will be; I've always wanted children, and I know Leonard will make a wonderful father if given the chance. If it is one thing I know for sure, he'd rather be with Joanna right now than aboard the Enterprise.

The doors hiss open again, and Leonard hurries in, the look on his face still stony. I stand up straight, trying to hide all of my jitters.

"You sure about this?" he asks with a cold snap to his voice.

"Indubitably," I reply, going as still as possible. He switches the small machine on, waving it slowly over my body. My heart starts to go faster as he scans farther down. Suddenly, he freezes, his eyes going wide; I almost think he's going to drop the scanner just from judging at his expression.

"Len?" I ask worriedly.

"Holy mother," he breathes, shaking his head and still unable to take his eyes off the screen. I grab the scanner from his hands, my eyes finding what has stunned him: the video of an embryo, six weeks old. I can't breathe, and I know that my eyes are welling up. Nyota had guessed right. Joy unlike any other fills me, and I touch the screen softly; my baby, Len's baby, ours. I've never seen anything so perfect.

"Len, Len, just look−" I say, then I see his face.

"We can't go through with it," he rasps, pushing his hair from his face. I gape, my own shock swiftly changing from happiness to horror.

"What−Why not?" I growl, clutching the scanner to my heart. I can see the pain and guilt on his face, but I don't care; there is no way he's taking this from me.

"Helen, we're on a space ship for Christ's sake! You can't raise a child on a space ship, at least not one like the Enterprise! It's too dangerous."

"So you're proposing I have an abortion?" I snap icily, shoving the scanner back into his hands. "Look, Len. That's _our_ baby. Not mine, not yours, _ours_. Are you ready to just murder our own child just because we might get bumped around a bit?"

He winces, and I regret my words a little; still, he needs to know how much this means to me and how much it should mean to him.

"Look, Helen... that's not what I meant. I'm just thinking of you and−and our future," he says, jerking his thumb to my belly, "Space isn't somewhere to raise a family; you know what's out there. I would never have Jo living on here, much less our own child. I'm not saying that when we return to Earth we can't have a family, but here, now... I don't think we should."

I am numb. No, beyond numb; I feel like I've died. Len doesn't want the baby, and he claims it's because it's too dangerous here. I know that's bull; there are at least two expectant mothers on board and one two month old baby.

"So what did you tell the other women with unborn children, kill your future because you might catch Andorrian Shingles?"

"Helen−"

"No, Leonard, just stop. I thought you'd be happy that you're going to be a father again, and that this time you'd actually be able to spend time with you kid. Clearly I was wrong," I snarl, heading out of Sick Bay.

"I didn't say never, just not now!" he exclaims, irritation colouring his voice. I wheel around, ready to rip him apart with my bare hands.

"Well, you can't stop me, Leonard McCoy. You can drop me off at the nearest planet and leave me there if you like, but I am not having an abortion!" I yell, not caring that all of Sick Bay is staring and now knows that I'm pregnant. Len looks shocked and hurt, but I no longer care. Storming out of Sick Bay, I start running back to my quarters. No sooner am I there, I collapse on my bed and start sobbing, partly from hormones but mostly from Leonard's revelation.

Time passes, too much for me to guess. I've curled up on myself, hugging a pillow and still playing over the picture of my little embryo. I won't let Len take it away; we may never have another chance.

My door opens, but I don't look over.

"If that's you, Leonard, get out, please. You won't be able to change my mind," I say, my voice raspy from crying.

"It's not Bones, Helen," says a quiet voice, and I turn over in surprise to Jim standing in the doorway. He looks sad and sympathetic. I sit up carefully, not letting go of my pillow.

"Oh," I whisper quietly, looking into those blue eyes over the hem of the pillow case, "What are you doing here?"

"Isn't it obvious?" he says, coming to sit beside me. I shake my head, increasing the space between us a little bit. He sighs, pushing his hair back. "I just got back from Sick Bay. You and Bones really need to talk; I don't think I've ever seen him so broken up."

"Well, he should have thought about that before he told me to have an abortion," I snap, wiping my watering eyes again.

"Hells, he doesn't want you to have an abortion by choice, but he's seen the worst of what can happen out here in space. Including what can go wrong with pregnancy. A yeoman of mine died during a miscarriage when we were in a bad fire fight; Bones was really broken up about it, and that's why he's so scared for you now." Jim falls silent as I absorb the information. "Do you see why he reacted the way he did?"

"I do... Honestly, I do, but I can't go through with an abortion, Jim. I just can't. I've always wanted kids, and I was honestly terrified that I'd never be able to have any after my accident. This is a miracle to me, Jim," I reply finally, looking him straight in the eye. I can see he understands both me and Len, and he knows that he won't be the one to solve this.

"Okay, Hells... Just take it easy. This isn't going to be easy either way," he says, getting up to leave. He looks at me for a long time, and this time the sadness reaches deeper than just this rift between me and Leonard. "I wish you both luck."

With that, I'm left in darkness. I hug the pillow close to my chest, a million thoughts racing through my head. I wasn't expecting so many shocks to the system. Now I feel lost.

Then I remember that picture, and I'm not so lost anymore.

**So, much angst and drama here. Is it still decent or have I pushed Helen's character too far. She get's better, I promise.**

**I'll probably post chapter 3 tomorrow when I have time; I've got a busy day. And there's a happier ending to it, so... don't worry too much.**

**Thanks for reading and please comment! They make my day bright and sunny ;)**


	3. Little Shadow

**Another day, another chapter. I don't know how much longer I'll be posting a chapter a day, but I finished chapter five last night. Just so you all know, things are going to start getting... less romantic and more dramatic. Like the title of the story, Helen's on an uphill battle to get the life she deserves. Be prepared. That is all I will say.**

**But, this chapter is actually a happy one! I got all warm and fuzzy on the inside when I wrote this one; makes me want to find a guy and get married even more badly :D**

**Big MASSIVE thank you to everyone who added this story to their alerts and favourites; even if they weren't comments, they still mean that you guys like what you're reading, and that makes me happy!! I make ST cookies for you all.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own, never will own, but I got an ST costume for Halloween!!**

Little Shadow

My room is dark when I open my eyes, punctuated only by the odd passing of stars. It should be cold in here, but I feel pleasantly warm as usual. I sit up slowly, my hand going automatically to the firm roundness that's become my pregnant belly. I'm almost four and a half months along, and I'm really starting to show now.

"You gonna move for me today?" I ask, rubbing my stomach fondly; still nothing. Despite what Christine has told me when I go for my check ups, I am more than a little worried as to why my baby hasn't moved, or at least not enough for me to feel. I just want to be reassured that she's okay. I don't even know if I'm expecting a girl or a boy, and I don't want to know until Leonard is with me.

Just thinking of him makes my chest tighten painfully and my eyes water; we haven't spoken for several weeks, not since he refused to come to my first check up; he still doesn't want me to have the baby, and I'm not sure if we can still be considered together. I love Len, but I don't know how long I can keep this up; it's too emotionally draining.

~*~*~*~

_I hesitated for a long time before I finally pressed the comm button outside of Leonard's office. "Len... it's me... I was−"_

_Before I'd even finished speaking, the door slid open with a soft hiss. Len was reading something at his desk, and he didn't look up until I'd sat and the door had closed once more. Only then did he meet my wide blue eyes. For the first time his hazel gaze didn't make my heart beat faster with the warmth they typically held, but rather from the brittle cold. Instantly my stomach sank._

"_I assume you're here for personal reasons," he said in his best just-tell-me-so-you-can-leave voice. My temper flared, and I stiffened in my seat._

"_Yeah, my first check up, Leonard. My first prenatal check up," I snapped. He didn't move, but I could see guilt flicker in the dark hazel depths. "And I'd like you to come with me."_

_Leonard dropped his eyes altogether, and he sighed deeply, picking up the PADD again. "I won't. You decided to carry this thing through. I don't support it."_

"_Yeah, because that's logical. Not supporting your own child," I snarled, standing upright and gesturing to my still flat belly. Leonard's mouth tightened, and he leaped out of his chair, bending down so we were face to face._

"_I told you why! I didn't want to put you and our future in danger, and that's _exactly _what you're doing! God dammit Helen, why can't you get that through your head? Pregnancy is hard enough when you're on solid ground, it's exponentially more dangerous in space!"_

"_And you're acting like you don't trust that I can see this through to full term in one piece!" I screamed, balling my fists as I tried to keep from attacking him physically._

"_I don't!" he returned, throwing his arms up. I froze, my mouth hanging open in shock. He continued at record speed, not drawing a breath. "You work in engineering, which already shortens your life enough without you quadrupling your chance of injury as well! You engineers, you and the security personnel, you all get more banged up than the rest of the crew combined! It'd be a miracle and a half if you could make nine months unscathed anyways, let alone with you being pregnant. So no, I don't trust you!"_

_Silence descended immediately. My mouth was hanging open, and I was in too much disbelief to do anything more than stare dumbly at him. In a daze, I turned and exited the room, barely hearing Len calling my name and running straight into Christine. It must have been a woman's intuition, because she immediately led me away from Len and to the waiting examining table._

_I barely remember anything that happened._

_~*~*~*~_

I tie my hair in a tight pony tail, the curls falling luxuriously down my back. Standing sideways in the mirror one last time before I leave for my post, I examine my still slim figure, save for the roundness stretching my uniform a little too tight. I rub my baby bump again, praying for some movement, and again I feel nothing.

"Stubborn like your father, I see," I say softly, then leave my room at last. The brightness of the corridors makes me blink a little bit, but I don't have a lot of time to adjust till I reach the bowels of the ship where I work. Scotty looks up from where he's discussing something with another crewman. He gives his final command to the crewman and shoos him off before waving me over.

"Well, lass, ya ready for another day?" he says cheerily, but I catch the guardedness in his gaze. I chuckle softly.

"Mr. Scott, pregnant I may be, but have I snapped your head off yet?" I reply, grinning like the Cheshire cat. He relaxes a little, giving my shoulder a small squeeze.

"That ya haven't. How's the wee bugger t'day?" he says, scrolling through today's assignments. I run my fingers lightly over my belly yet again; somehow, I never tire of it.

"Quiet as ever. I'm almost wishing she'd start keeping me awake, but so far she hasn't moved one bit," I reply, looking up at the Scotsman. He smiles reassuringly at me.

"Me sister was jus' the same, no worries. An' believe me, she was eating her words about wantin' movement in time; me nephew made it his job to keep her up and restless for weeks before he was born. Ah wouldn't be surprised if yours does the same," he says soothingly, handing me my assignment. I raise my eyebrows at him; once more I'm in the least unsafe area of Engineering.

"Monty−"

"Lass, Ah want ta see that babe in one piece almost as much as you do; you'll take that assignment, or you'll go back to bed," he says in mock severity, but I can see he means it, and there's worry in his dark eyes. I feel a pang of deep regret that Len can't feel the same. I smile, kissing Scotty on the cheek.

"Thanks Monty," I say, before disappearing down the maze of pipes and whirring machinery.

~*~*~*~

_By now, almost everyone knows what happened between Len and I, and some have taken sides. Most of the women are with me, while most of the men are choosing to stay out of it, Jim included. I thought Len would be furious that no one's taking his side, but instead, he's drained. I've never seen him look like this, and now I'm worried that he's going to start drinking again. _

_And through it all, I start growing. But I'm starting to wonder if keeping the baby will be worth losing Len over. For the first time, I began to think that the pregnancy was a bad idea._

_I just want him to hold me again._

_~*~*~*~_

I'm sitting at a desk, scrolling through the inputs and outputs of the engines, humming "Hysteric" to myself when I feel something. At first, I hardly notice it, but I'm starting to slip into memory lane, remembering the better months between Len and I.

~*~*~*~

"_You know I love you, right?" he said, staring deep into my eyes. I rolled my eyes in mock exasperation, but I couldn't stop the wide grin from sweeping over my lips. I snuggled deeper into Len's crooked arm, stroking his chest with my finger tips._

"_Have I ever doubted you?" I replied, looking up at him. I saw the worry leave his eyes, and he pulled me up so we were face to face. We kissed softly, and with exhaustion; we'd been up for a while, and several romps in the hay had us both limp and on the verge of sleep._

"_No..."_

"_Well, there you go."_

_We fell silent, nearly drifting off to sleep._

"_I love you too, Len," I whispered lazily, pulling him close. I felt his lips press against my forehead as I drifted off._

"_And I ain't ever going to leave ya, darlin'."_

_~*~*~*~_

I jump out my chair, my breathing hitched and my heart racing.

_There._

I felt her, I _felt _her move. My hand is on my belly before I can even comprehend it, and I feel the soft nudge into my palm almost as soon as I place it there. I'm laughing hysterically, tears starting to fall down my cheeks as the movements continue.

"Oh Len, you should be here..." I whisper, and a harder nudge knocks against my palm. I laugh again, looking down at my belly. "You want him too?" A less abrupt shove answers my question, and I fly down the corridors to the nearest turbo lift. I almost knock Scotty over in my haste, and I barely look back.

"Oi! Helen, where ya goin'?" he calls to me.

"Can't explain now!" I exclaim before I roughly order the turbo lift to leave me at the deck I need. The doors barely open before I'm sprinting down the halls, bursting into Sick Bay. Christine is the first person to see me, and by the way I must look, she must think it's something bad.

"Helen, what's wrong?" she says, quickly getting me to sit down. I try to push her off, but another push against my hand sends me weak kneed, and I collapse easily into the chair. I'm starting to laugh now, and Christine is looking at me like I've lost my mind.

"Helen?" she asks carefully, and I finally look at her, my eyes glistening and smiling ear to ear.

"I'm fine, Chris, honestly, but you need to get me Leonard right now," I say in a voice that doesn't seem to belong to me. She finally notices the way I'm clutching my belly, and her own grin starts to form. I barely notice anything else going on around me as I continue to feel my baby move against my touch. I've never felt anything so wonderful.

"Helen, what's going on?" says that wonderful voice I love more than should be possible, and I feel a particularly hard nudge.

"Len, Len, come here," I say almost incoherently, waving him over. His gaze is wary, and I finally lose patience, dragging him so we're practically leaning together. I take his hand and place it under my own. I can feel him stiffen, but I refuse to let him go.

"What are you doing?" he says suspiciously, looking down at me.

"Just wait," I hiss, still holding his hand in place. We wait, but as the minutes stretch by, there is no movement.

"Helen, I have work to do," Len says at last, trying to pull away. I simply grab his hand harder, which in turn causes him to pull back harder.

"Len please, just stay," I say, beginning to think I ran up here for nothing.

"Helen, please let go−"

"I swear, if you just stay−"

"Let go−"

We both fall silent as a hard nudge pushes up against our hands. I chance a look up at Len's face, and I wholly melt with relief and love at his expression: shocked wonder. Unconsciously, he presses his palm more firmly against the spot our baby moved against, and is rewarded with another shove.

"See?" I breathe, taking my hand off his. I'm not sure if Leonard hears me, but the look of complete joy on his face has me beyond caring. I know we'll never be apart again, not as along as we're both alive. He catches me staring at him, and at last I see the warmth return to his eyes. Not moving his hand from where our baby is, he looks deep into my gaze.

"I'll come by later," he whispers, kissing me tenderly, "I promise, but−"

"You have work to do," I finish, stroking the sides of his face, "I know. I'll be waiting."

~*~*~*~

"Come," I say, hearing my door chime. I don't move, but my breath catches regardless as I catch a whiff that can only belong to Len. A mix of disinfectant, whiskey, and something that is completely him. Rough hands that are also soft caress the back of my neck and a warm mouth kisses my jaw bone.

"Helen..." he whispers.

"Don't talk," I reply, my voice barely audible as I press up into his touch. Len has the grace to obey my wish, and I find myself moving from my chair to my bed. When I finally capture his mouth, I know I'm lost to him. I've missed him so much, and I need him back in every way possible.

A few hours later, we lay side by side, Len running his hand over the gentle swell of our baby, the same blissful, soft look on his face that he had back in Sick Bay. As if acknowledging our feelings, we both feel the small nudge, and it elicits a smile from both of us.

"I can't believe I was so stupid−" Leonard starts to say, but I put my finger to his mouth.

"It's in the past," I whisper, stroking the side of his face. "This is the future." We lock hands over the last place our child moved, staring into each others eyes.

"You know I love you, right?" he says. I smile, the memory resurfacing once more.

"Of course," I reply.

We fall silent, then Leonard sighs heavily, as if bracing himself. "Okay... I won't blame you if you say no, but if you don't... Don't go crazy either." I look at him curiously.

"Len?"

"Marry me, Helen."

-----------

**See? I told ya it was happy! Next up... two become three. ******

**Please review!! I've got a long day, and I'd like some happiness!**


	4. Skeleton

**Aloha my dear readers!! I has chappie for your enjoyment, and this is the exciting one!!**

**Thank you SO MUCH to Ava, Ms. Lori Reznor, and SOPROL; you honestly made my day, I'm not lying. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!! I give you your choice of Enterprise crew members for the day(although Helen may not let Bones go that easily... :D)**

**Disclaimer: Still don't own. As soon as I do, I'll be sure to let you all know.**

**Skeleton**

It feel like there's fire tracing up and down my spine. I have no intention of waking Leonard until the pain gets very bad, but I'm barely keeping back from cursing right now; I won't be keeping this up for long. Giving time to let the pain pass, I start pacing the room again, trying to keep my mind clear. But it doesn't last long before another contraction rips across my lower back, and this time I can't keep back the exclamation of pain. And just as I expect, it wakes Len up. I no longer care; I'm leaning against the wall to keep from falling to the floor.

"Helen?" he says quietly, looking around for me. "I thought I heard you..." Even though it's dark, I can see his eyes widen and his face pale. I try to smile reassuringly, but another contraction turns it into a hiss and a grimace. He's at my side in an instant, checking me over like the good doctor that he is.

"Len, really−" I try to say, but he shushes me, dragging me to a chair.

"Helen, don't you pull a Jim Kirk on me and say this is nothing. Dammit, how long have you been like this?" he snaps, still checking me over.

"My water broke about fifteen minutes ago..." I manage to say before my strongest contraction yet seems to rip my back open. I vaguely hear Len swearing at no one in particular, then he's on the comm to Medical Bay, ordering them to prep for immediate delivery.

"Come on, we gotta get you outta here," he growls, pulling my arm over his shoulder, "We'll have to walk a little, but Chapel's gonna meet us halfway with a wheel chair, you think you can hang on for that long?"

"Guess we'll both see," I wheezed, "Damn this hurts."

"Well, if you'd woken me earlier, we would already be in Medical Bay where we have painkillers," he fires back, but I can hear worry in his voice.

"Len, I love you," I say, smiling weakly at him.

He looks at me with those dark hazel eyes, and he's fighting laughter. "Sweetheart, we'll worry about when you're safe."

"_Do you, Leonard McCoy, take Helen Forrest to be your lawfully wedded wife?"_

"_I certainly do."_

"_And do you, Helen Forrest, take Leonard McCoy to be your lawfully wedded husband?"_

"_Without a doubt."_

"_You sure?"_

"_Jim, just say the damn words." There was a collective laughter all around the mess hall. Jim grinned boyishly, blue eyes twinkling._

"_Alright, Bones, keep your tie on. I now pronounce you husband and wife. Kiss your woman!"_

_Leonard rolled his eyes while I laughed. We kissed, keeping it short for two reasons: one, we didn't want Chekov to start squirming too much. And two, it was getting increasingly harder for us to be close together physically; I was at seven months and really starting to grow._

"_Ladies and gentlemen of the Enterprise, I give you Mr. and Mrs. McCoy!"_

"Holy Christ!" I snarl, falling limp in Leonard's arms as yet another spasm of pain lances all across my lower body, "Len, I don't know if I'm gonna make it."

"Yes you are, dammit," he replies, trying to run now, "We're almost there−"

"Helen, Doctor!" calls out a voice, and I nearly faint with relief as I see Christine round the corner, carrying a much needed wheelchair. I can feel Len relax as well, and I know he's just as thankful as I am.

"Great timing Chapel," he says, pushing me along at breakneck speed. The wind from our movement sweeps my hair off my face, and it feels wonderful, a brief respite from my current situation. I wholly ready for this baby to be born, and as another contraction comes along, I know she is too.

_And we'll finally find out if you're really a girl or a boy,_ I think fondly. My only reply is another contraction, my most painful one yet. I let out a short scream, causing both Christine and Leonard to grind to a halt, both checking my progress frantically.

"Oh god, Len−"

"Helen, we're almost there, you just gotta hold on for a little while longer," Len says a little anxiously, taking my face in his hands. I'm starting to cry now, the pain is just mounting−

"Hey, what the hell−" Jim grumbles, stumbling out of his cabin, then he sees me, Len and Christine. "Now? You're−now?" he says weakly. Len nods curtly, then he nearly runs Jim over as we cram into the turbo lift. Before the door can close though, Jim squeezes in with us, looking almost as worried as Len.

"Jim, what the hell−" Leonard exclaims, looking furious.

"She's one of the best engineers on here, Bones, and she's a friend. So, yeah, I'm coming for moral support," Jim snaps back. Len's face is reaching a dangerous shade of purple, but for some reason I'm deliriously happy that Jim is coming; he really is a friend I can count on. It doesn't seem like the turbo lift would ever stop, but it finally does, and we're running into Medical Bay. Somehow, Jim's managed to page Spock, Nyota, and Scotty, and Spock and Nyota are in Medical Bay, waiting. Len doesn't look pleased, but upon seeing Nyota, I'm much happier. She's my best friend here, and I wouldn't have anyone else with me on the birth of my children.

"We've got bed 3 prepped, doctor," Christine, grabbing a pack of clean instruments from the counter and several towels. Len wheels me over, and he and Chris help up onto the bed.

"GOD! FUCK!" I scream as my abdomen feels like its being cut open with rusty knives. Len goes into overdrive, grabbing a clean set of gloves and scrubs. Christine is trying to soothe me as best she can, but if I don't push within a minute, I'm going lose it.

"Helen, is there anything I can do?"

"Bones, don't you have fucking painkillers for her?!"

"I have read that proper breathing and relaxation can help ease the pain of labour, perhaps−"

"Everyone who's not me, Christine Chapel, or Helen, GET OUT NOW!" roars Len, coming back into my vision decked out in his full medical gear. Jim opens his mouth to defy him, but Len's gripping several hard instruments in his hand, and I know he won't hesitate to throw them. Spock and Nyota are going to leave, and I sit up as best I can as quickly as I can.

"Wait−Nyota−I want you here," I say as well as I can, panting heavily. I can just make out her face, a mix of surprise and delight.

"If I can, doctor," she says, looking at Len for permission. Hissing between his teeth, Len tosses her a spare coat.

"You get in my way, and you will be out of this room faster than you can say hypo," he snarls. I go to laugh, but it turns into another agonized groan, and it snaps everyone into action once again.

"She−she's coming, Len," I whisper.

"Okay Hells, you gotta give me all you got," he tells me, and I hear the edge of panic. He's just as nervous as I am. Chris and Nyota notice too, and Chris joins Len at his position.

"Leonard, I can do this," she says gently, "You go be with your wife."

"But−"

"Len, please," I beg, and it's all he needs. His hand is gripping mine as tightly as he dares and his face is next to mine. As I stare up into his eyes, I can see pride and anxiety.

"You're so close, Helen, so close. I saw him; he's got hair," he murmurs, stroking my hair. I barely have time to offer him a quick smile before Chris is telling me to push. I give her all I've got.

"_And hold it, and out," said Christine, going through the motions with me. I let out my breath slowly, relaxing at last; as much as both Len and Chris had been bugging me to take prenatal classes, I was getting antsy sitting in one place for any long period of time. Scotty had finally made me go on maternity leave, much to my displeasure, so my life had only gotten more boring. In that way, the classes were almost better than nothing. Still, this dealing with the fuss people were making over me was kind of annoying; I mean, I wasn't the first and certainly wouldn't be the last person to get pregnant on this ship._

"_You got something on your mind hun?" Chris asked, helping me up. I looked at her, trying to think of some way to tell her what was going through my head._

"_As much as any other person," I replied, twirling my hair. Chris gave me a look, and I continued, "Fine, I'm sick of being treated like I'm breakable. I know I'm pregnant and resemble a beached whale, but I'm still the same person I was before." I sighed, tapping my fingers gently on my belly. "I just really wish everyone else would see that."_

_Chris laughed gently, leading the way as we headed off to the mess hall for lunch. "Hells, everyone's going out of their way for you because one, you're the CMO's wife and you make him happy, which makes everyone else happy, and two, you're just an all around wonderful person. A lot of people want to see you make it through the pregnancy safely and your baby come into this world in one piece." I was honestly surprised by this, and I told her so. This time, someone laughed behind us, and we turned to see Nyota standing in line as well._

"_Helen, believe me when I say Christine is telling the truth," she said, "You've made a pretty big impact on the ship as a whole." Grabbing our meals from the replicators, we took a table beside the windows. "And not just because you shot the captain down for the doctor." _

"_Hey, Jim is a nice guy," I protested._

"_Yeah, but I got the girl for once," growled a familiar voice, and I looked up to see Len standing over me. I smiled brilliantly as he gave me a quick kiss, sitting beside me._

"_And you're damn lucky about that Len," I joked, but I read the seriousness in his eyes; he knew very well that it could be Jim's child I'm carrying and not his. _

"_So do you guys know what you're having yet?" Nyota asked._

"_No, we decided to keep in the dark until she's born," I said fondly, jabbing Len in the ribs. He glowered at me, earning a round of giggles from the three of us girls._

"_I take it you think it's a girl?" Chris said. I nodded. "What about you, Doctor?"_

"_I am not partaking in this, but if I had to guess, boy. Hands down," he replied, taking a gulp of his coffee. "She's carrying like my cousin did when she was expecting. And it was a bouncing baby boy she had."_

"_But I've never been like a normal person have I?" I said, leaning on his shoulder._

"_No, I'd have to say you haven't," he agreed, an easy grin spreading across his face. Nyota and Christine exchanged a knowing look._

"_Well, three more weeks until you know," said Nyota._

"And... Great job Helen, you did it!" Chris exclaims, "He's out!" As she says the words, I hear my baby cry for the first time, a loud mewling that makes me start bawling. I'm not the only one either; Nyota's crying and so is Len. As Chris hands me my son, I feel a happiness I've never experienced before, something soft and warm and permanent.

As we look down onto the small face that becomes our world, Len whispers in my ear, "I told you it'd be a boy." I manage a weak giggle, tearing my eyes away from our child to look up at him. His hazel gaze is shining in a way I've never seen.

"Helen, he's beautiful," Nyota breathes, marvelling at the tiny bundle I'm holding, "What are you going to call him?"

I look up at Len, and he's deep in thought. Before he opens his mouth, I know what he's going to say.

"James. If that's okay with you," he says, looking down at me. I nod.

"Chris, could you bring them back in? And make sure Monty's there too," I murmur, blinking sleepily; I won't be able to stay awake for much longer, and I really would like Jim and Scotty in here before I fall asleep. Len and Nyota look at me, curious.

"Why Scotty?" asks the African communications officer. I smile fondly down at my son, stroking the dark hair that's curled around his head.

"He'll want to meet the little bugger," I say quietly, only half telling the truth; there is another reason I want the Scottish engineer in here.

Jim skids in first, acting almost exactly like a worried father, but the moment he sees me and Len and our baby, he gets a grin a mile wide.

"Well congrats Bones!" he exclaims, slapping Len on the back, "That's one cute kid you got there."

"And if you corrupt him, I'll flay you alive," Len retorts, only half joking. I laugh sleepily. Scotty and Spock are peering over Jim's shoulders, both fixated on the baby.

"Ach lass, ya did good," Scotty says softly, looking at little James with same expression he holds for the warp core. I smile, getting Len to help me sit up.

"So what'd you call him?" Jim asks, ever the curious one. Len and I look at each other, then at our company.

"Why don't you tell them," Len says, blinking in a tender way.

Smiling back, I meet the gazes of the others evenly. "James Montgomery McCoy." Jim's expression is something I've never seen before: humbled and honoured. Scotty's is pure delight and glee.

"What do you think?" Len says, sounding a little nervous.

"Well hell, Ah'm bloody pleased as punch! Ah di'nt think ya thought o' me like that!" Scotty explodes, looking like he'd hug me to death if I wasn't cradling James right now. James squirms a little in my arms, but he doesn't awaken from the Scotsman's outburst. Jim is staring down at the child that holds his namesake with the same expression, although it's changed a little as well; there's sadness there too.

"You want to hold him?" I say, holding my baby out to him. Jim takes him hesitantly, holding him close. His expression is so soft that I have to restrain saying "aw" out loud.

"Bone's, he's got your scowl," Jim says suddenly, and there's a burst of laughter from Chris and Nyota. Len goes to slap Jim upside the head, and only just holds back. Spock simply observes everything, but there's sparkle in his eyes I've rarely seen.

"I am curious, as to why you chose to name your son after the captain and Mr. Scott," he says at last.

"Well, Spock, Jim's my best friend and Helen's, and Scotty's Helen's partner in crime. Naming our boy after them was... logical," Len replies smugly. Spock raises his eyebrow slightly.

"Fascinating."

**So, what'd ya think of the names I chose for Helen and Len's little boy? I think it's pretty cool. ;)**

**Next chapter... is where the romance stops and the drama takes over. You may want tissues. **

**Reviews still make my day! I have a midterm today(which I should be studying for), so believe me when I say I may need something to smile about!**

**Loves!!**


	5. White Sparrows

**Well, good morning to you all, I hope it's actually good. I got my first essay back today... Let's just say, neither me nor my prof was very impressed with the result. But apparently I write well! So that kinda makes up for it. *sigh***

**Aaaannndd... Today's chapter you will probably need tissues, maybe pitchforks(for me ******** ). It's definitely not a happy one, but it gets the plot moving. And as of right now, this is NOT death fic. I'll be sure to let you know if it turns into one. Now, this one is set up a little differently as besides Helen's present tense POV, there's also Jim's past tense POV so you know what happened down on the planet. I may do Bones' in the future; gotta wait and see.**

**Oh, few things to clear up: this is UNBETA'D, so all mistakes are mine. However, I will sometimes make intentional mistakes, mostly in sentence structure(I find it reads more personally). But any mix ups with the tenses or words that may not be there, that's all me. On a happier note, I'm compiling a playlist for this fic, so if you click on my profile, you'll be able to see which songs I used and listened to when writing. And finally, thank you to my lovely reviewers! I love you guys to bits already; I give you all a free ride on the Enterprise! Just don't wear any red shirts...**

**Disclaimer: don't own, I'll let you know if I do.**

White Sparrows

My heart is in my throat as I clutch to the transport console for support; there's yelling and swearing coming through the speakers from the away team. My Len is down there, and I can't hear his voice.

"Dammit Cap'n, stand bloody still!" snaps Scotty, his face white with worry and concentration.

"We're trying−Bones, look out!" Jim's voice hollers back, and my blood freezes.

"Scotty get them back now!" I scream.

"I can't, lass, we're still missin' Doctor McCoy−"

And as he says those words, everyone else's signals lock and the transport pad starts humming. But only five of the six are activated. Then Jim's voice screams through the speakers.

"BONES! NO!!"

My knees give, Scotty's swearing in more languages than he should know, and the away team comes into being. All, only barely excluding Spock, are wearing identical looks of horror. Jim looks like he's about collapse. He's staring at some point in front of him, some place that isn't there anymore.

"Jim, where is he, where is he?" I stammer, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt. When he doesn't react, fear unlike anything I've felt before fills my gut with ice. "Jim! Where is he?"

When Jim looks down at me, I know what's happened.

I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't scream.

Because he's not coming back.

Jim's POV...

_It was supposed to be simple exploration. The natives of Dorius were said to be friendly and eager, even if they weren't nearly as advanced as us. We'd gotten word that they had made some massive advancements in terms of trying to perfect warp drive, and we were to see if they needed anything._

_Oh, and apparently they had some wonderful medical treatments that rivalled anything Starfleet had. Hence the reason Bones came down._

_He told me before we left that he had a bad feeling about going down._

"_I don't trust them, Jim," he'd said._

"_Bones, you don't trust anyone," I said, brushing him off, "These people have been friendly in the past; why would they stop now?" He rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath, probably about my leadership skills. I should have listened to him._

_There were six of us: Me, Spock, Uhura, Bones, Ensign Toby from engineering, and Chekov. It was the kid's first away mission in a very long time. He was excited. We all were, Bones and Spock excluded. And as we materialized down on the planet, we had reason to._

_Half an hour later, we were running for our lives._

Helen's POV

Someone's taken me to Medical Bay, but I can't remember who. For once there's absolute silence, save the odd sob from someone. I want to feel anger, but I can't. I can barely remember to breathe.

At every moment I expect him to march in, yell at everyone to get their act together, and take care of us in that way he has. Then I remember he's never going to be coming in again.

Jim's POV

_We were introduced to the leader of the capital city, a tall Dorisian with a ridge of bone sticking straight out of his head. He seemed friendly enough._

"_So, we at last meet the great Captain Kirk," he said, bowing deeply. I returned the bow, making sure the others did as well._

"_You must be Tai Parr," I replied, "We've heard you're quite magnificent yourself." Tai Parr merely smiled, something steely in his eyes. I should have known then that something was up._

"_Come captain, we have much to show you," he said, gesturing for us to go into the main citadel. Uhura was marvelling at the structure and text engraved into the stone, no doubt trying to find out a way translate it. Even I admired it; the place was like some ancient tomb. Now I think it was meant to be ours. Because as soon as we were all inside, we were shut into darkness._

"_Tai Parr?" I called out, trying to see where the hell he'd gone._

"_Yes captain?" purred the voice of the alien. It was purr that sent shivers down my spine, and not in a good way._

"_What's going on?"_

"_Why captain. You already know. You weren't invited here for a diplomatic mission. This is a hostage taking, and until your precious Federation answers our demands, we're holding you here."_

_I knew he wasn't lying, and I cursed myself for not taking more security officers and not listening to Bones earlier. I heard him swearing behind me, Chekov whimpering something in Russian, Spock, Uhura and Toby silent as ever. Fury enveloped me, and I extricated my phaser slowly._

"_Well, Tai Parr, there's something you gotta learn about our 'precious' Federation. We didn't become a Federation for nothing," I said, then fired in the direction of the alien's voice. There was an unearthly shriek as he crumpled heavily to the ground, then a horrifying hissing as the other Dorisians realized what I'd done. By this time though, the rest of the team had their phasers out and were firing on anything that moved. Surprisingly, Chekov has the best aim, and he took down three of the assholes before I could blink. When nothing else was fired at us, we ran for the door. We thought we were lucky when we discovered it wasn't locked. We were far from it._

_As we raced across the empty square to the thick forest, a torrent of offensive fire rained down on us, never actually hitting us fatally, but grazing everyone with painful bloody cuts._

"_Dammit Jim!" Bones yelled from my right, "What the hell did you get us into?!"_

_I ignored him, pulling out my comm device and screaming at Scotty to beam us up. I got no reply, and I realized that we were in the thickest part of the forest; I could barely see a thing, but I could hear the river._

"_Everyone follow the river, it's our best chance to get beamed back!" I ordered, making a bee line for the water. I honestly thought we were all going to make it when they opened fire on us again, although it was more erratic. As I burst onto the river's edge, I barely caught myself from falling into the deep gorge. My heart sank. "Enterprise, do you copy?" There was only static. And we'd run out of places to go; I thought for sure we were all doomed._

"_Captain, over there!" exclaimed Toby, pointing to a clearing just up the hill. Not a minute too soon as whatever they were firing at us nearly hit me in the head._

"_Go, go, go!" I yelled, "Scotty, beam us up!"_

"_Dammit Cap'n, stand bloody still!" the engineer answers. Another spray of weapons fire sounded behind us and we pushed our legs to get to the clearing. As I turned around, I saw them emerge. _

"_We're trying−Bones, look out!" I started to say, then I realized we were one short, in time to see Bones limp out of the woods, blood streaming down his leg and gunmen trying to follow him. We opened fire once more on the offending aliens, cutting them all down. I felt not regret, just wanting to make sure my best friend made it here alive; he was still too obstructed for Scotty to get a proper lock on him. "Come on man, come on," I plead, going to move towards him. I didn't see the other Dorisian until it was too late. I heard the shot echo through the air before I saw him, and then time went into slow motion. I vaguely heard Uhura scream and the world start to dissolve as we were finally being transported back to the ship. But I still saw Bones get hit, saw him twist and fall from view._

"_BONES! NO!!"_

_The next thing I know, I'm on the transporter pad, staring at the last place my best friend had been, his wife begging me to tell her what happened._

Helen's POV

We're all gathered in the mess hall, which is for once deathly silent. Jim goes to stand at the front of the crowd, his face pale and dishevelled. My eyes follow his progress while I hold James tight to my chest. Even if he is barely a year old, my son is intuitive; ever since I got him back from our room, he's been fussing. I know he wants Len, and I wish to God that I could have his father hold him.

"If−if I could have your attention please," Jim says, his voice filling the space of the mess hall, "As most of you already know, we lost Doctor Leonard McCoy today." For those who don't know, there's a collective gasp. For those who do, there is only painful quiet. I barely notice the feeling of tears falling as I start crying. Jim continues, but his speech sounds robotic, forced; he doesn't want to be here.

"We're returning to Earth immediately; we need another doctor to take over his position, and−and we need time to recover from this blow. Bones was an integral part of the crew, and he was always there when he was needed." He stops suddenly, and I can see his shoulders are shaking. "He will be missed a lot."

I'm set off by that last sentence, and I have to hand James over to Chris just so I don't drop him. I can't take it anymore. Like someone else is controlling my body, I get up and leave, wanting to get as far away as possible; I can barely hold back the sobs that are trying to break my body. I run until my legs give out and I break down completely in the hall.

~*~*~*~

_Waking up was usually a pleasure for me, especially now that James is sleeping through the night. Len's usually gone by the time I wake up, but today he's only just gotten out of the shower. He looked uncharacteristically angry, and I had to laugh at him._

"_Scotty run over your cat?" I asked him, getting up. He grumbled something indiscernible, yanking a shirt unnecessarily hard from the drawer. Sighing slightly, I wrapped my arms around his waist, leaning into his back. He was tense already, something that had surprised me._

_Twisting him around so we were face to face, I searched his eyes for some sort of clue._

"_Len, what's wrong?" I said, cupping his jaw with my hands. He pursed his lips._

"_I just got a page from Jim. He wants me to come on an away mission later today."_

_I raised my eyebrows; Leonard didn't go on away missions unless absolutely necessary. "Why?"_

_Len snorted, extricating himself from my grasp so he could pull his shirt on. "Apparently they have wonderful medical things I need to see. And he wants me to check it out personally, not one of the other nurses or interns."_

"_So think of it as an adventure, one you can tell James about when he's older," I said helpfully, but there was something in Len's eyes that said no comforting would be able to fix his mood._

"_I dunno Hells... I just got a bad feeling about today."_

_I kissed him slowly, holding it as long as I dared. "Don't worry, it'll be fine."_

_~*~*~*~_

Someone sits down beside me, and I'm pulled into a warm embrace. I see a yellow jersey and catch a whiff of spicy cologne; it's Jim.

"God, Helen, I'm so, so sorry," he whispers into my hair. I can't speak I'm sobbing so hard, and it takes me a little while to realize that Jim's crying too.

"Why him, he didn't even want to go on the damn mission," I burst out, only semi coherently. Jim holds me tighter, and I don't resist. It's some form of comfort that I desperately need. "I need him, Jim..."

The next time I open my eyes, I'm in a room I haven't seen in over a year. Jim's sitting beside me, staring off into space.

"Every time I close my eyes I see him," he rasps, tears still sliding down his cheeks. I curl into a ball, trying to stop the returning and overwhelming grief.

"Have you told Joanna yet?" I whisper after what seems like hours of silence.

"I don't have the courage to do that... I can't," Jim tries to say, then he loses what little control he has. "Dammit, Bones! Why did I have to be such a fucking idiot, you didn't want to come, I shouldn't have insisted−"

"Jim, stop, please stop," I beg, covering my ears and rocking back and forth. He must have seen what his outburst has done to me, because he pulls me back into his arms. "Don't say−don't say anything more about it."

Jim leans his head against mine, not seeming to care. "Okay."

It's a very long time before either of us move, sharing our grief over the man we lost.

On Dorius...

"_My lord, we found him!" exclaimed a commander, sopping wet but grinning like mad. Tai Parr flicked off a piece of burnt shielding, disgusted at the attempt on his life; did those idiots really think phasers could kill him? His species had had to adapt many a time; putting on the appearance of a pre-warp society was an easy. However, the Federation had technologies they didn't. And they wanted those technologies. Hopefully their prisoner would prove useful. _

_He turned around, watching two equally wet guards drag in the limp body._

"_You sure he's alive," he asked, bearing his teeth. The commander's grin widened impossibly._

"_Very, although he's a little wet. And better yet, we were able to scramble his life signal so that _they _think he's dead. We can do whatever we want."_

_Tai Parr smiled wickedly, pulling the man's head up by the roots of his hair. Although he wasn't the captain, this Dr. McCoy would be almost as good._

"_Excellent, take him down to the chambers. We'll begin work immediately."_

_-------------_

**Well... there you all go. I hope it was decent; I know it's a complete 180 from the last four chaps, but I needed to throw in some angst and fear; I don't usually write something so happy for so long. But... at least Bones isn't dead! Early versions of this thought had him actually dying.**

**Next chapter, the Enterprise returns to Earth, and Helen meets little Jo. Again, more depressing stuff, but I promise action within the next two chapters! As well as... something more... *evil glee* I'll give you a hint: it involves Jim quite a bit.**

**Please review! Between a bad essay mark and giant spiders, my day is not going great!**

**Loves!!!**


	6. New Divide

**Good evening my dear readers! I'm so sorry for posting late, but the muse had a bit of a vacation today; I only just finished writing this chapter. It was a bit more of a depressing one... The weeks after Len's death have been hard on everyone(and they were emotional to write), but there's some happier bits in there too, namely with the flashbacks. I had a lot of fun writing the interaction between Jim and Bones; I could see it in my head, and it was just hilarious.**

**Thank you so much to my lovely reviewers; if I could find something better than the crew of the Enterprise to give you, I would give it. Believe me. Your reviews honestly made my day.**

**Still un-beta'd, and I'm really tired; there's probably mistakes galore in here.**

**Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure you already know, but I don't own Star Trek. *sigh***

New Divide

"We're approaching Space Dock, sir," says the sullen voice of Hikaru. My eyes widen as I take in the beauty of Earth; I've never seen the planet before, and it's completely different from the one I was born on. My parents had always told me it was a wonderful place, but I haven't believed them until now. Instinctually, I reach out to grab Len's hand, only to find empty air. Immediately the grief returns, and I'm fighting tears once more.

"Take us in, Mr. Sulu, let's get off this ship," Jim growls, not looking up, "Attention crew: we will be docking shortly; everyone make your way in an orderly fashion to the shuttles and we'll head down to Earth. Kirk out." As soon as he makes the announcement, he gets up, motioning for me to follow. I have to force my legs to move, and we make our way to his office. Neither of us says anything for several minutes, not meeting each other's eyes.

"Do you have a place to go?" Jim asks suddenly. I nod.

"I'm staying with Chris. Maybe Nyota as well," I reply huskily, "I'm also going to be stopping by Jo's home. She'll want to meet her little brother." Neither of us says the other reason I'm seeing Len's daughter.

"Good, that's good. Bones−Bones woulda wanted that," he mumbles. We both fall quiet again. As much as I try to fight it, there are tears sliding down my face again.

~*~*~*~

"_Were you able to find his body?" Jim asked tiredly, peering over Nyota's shoulder. She shook her head, bringing up her numerous scans._

"_I've gone over every tributary, stream, and creek that river spawns, and there's nothing. I'm so sorry Jim, but there's nothing more we can do unless we conduct a manual search."_

_Jim leant back against the wall, closing his eyes for a few seconds. "And Starfleet didn't want us to do so until we know the Dorisians' capabilities. As soon as they do, they're going to try and do a full investigation."_

_I listened to the conversation from my stance at the doorway, the numb feeling that had only just started to leave returning._

"_You're going to _leave _him there?" I spat, dropping my report. Jim and Nyota jumped at my outburst, both of them unaware that I had been there to hear their conversation._

"_Helen, wait−"_

_I spun around, stalking down the halls with no clear destination. Jim ran after me, pleading with me to wait._

"_Helen, please, you've got to understand−" he said, grabbing my wrist. Fury erupted from deep within my chest, and I back handed Jim as hard as I possibly could. The crack of my slap filled the corridor and spun him almost completely around._

"_Understand what, Jim Kirk? That you are leaving your best friend behind because of some red tape? I thought I knew you! I know that if it was you who'd died, Len would be fighting tooth and nail to go and drag your sorry ass back up to the ship!" I screamed, shaking with fury. Jim was bleeding from a split lip, staring at me._

"_Well maybe if you'd let me explain as to why I'm leaving my best friend behind, you wouldn't try to kill me," he snapped, wiping his lip. "I would be, I would be down there in a second if I could. Don't believe for a second I wouldn't. If it was just me. But Helen−" he took me by the shoulders, looking deep into my eyes, "−I can't risk anyone else's lives. But I promise you, we will get him back, no matter what it takes."_

_~*~*~*~_

As I step off the shuttle with James clutched tightly in my arms, I'm surprised by how warm San Francisco is. Home was never this hot, even in summer. James squirms, not liking the bright sun and complaining loudly. I can only stare for several minutes, overwhelmed by everything. I'm suddenly hit by how much I missed living in the city.

"You okay?" Chris asks me, touching my arm gently. I jump in surprise, but I'm relieved to see a familiar face.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I've just never seen a city like this before..." I trail off, looking around and then down at my son. Somehow, James has fallen asleep, nuzzling into my neck. At least he's sleeping again; for the first few nights after Len... left, he was very temperamental and couldn't be consoled. I don't care what some people say, I know my baby can tell what's happening.

"Mrs. McCoy?" says a deep voice, interrupting my thoughts. I look to my left and meet the gray gaze of an older man, dressed in an admiral's uniform. He holds out his hand, his expression strained and barely professional. "I'm Admiral Pike. I knew your husband before he joined the Enterprise... You have my deepest condolences for your loss."

For the first time in several days, I burst into tears once more.

~*~*~*~

"_How is he?" asked Jim, coming up behind me. He looked down at James with obvious concern. I understood it completely; my son was restless and fighting my touch, completely opposite of his usual bouncy self. I was starting to get really worried._

"_He misses Len, Jim," I murmured, smoothing the dark curls of hair on James's head, "He misses his father." Almost as if he understood what we were talking about, James started howling and tried to escape my grasp. The emotional stress started catching up like it always seemed to do these days, and soon I was crying as well, which in turn only made James cry harder. A warm hand descended on my shoulder, and I looked over to see Jim kneeling down beside me, studying the baby._

"_Let me hold him," he said. I hiccupped, a little surprised, but handed a still squalling James over to Jim. I had no idea what on earth Jim could do that I hadn't already tried, but my thoughts were halted immediately when I realized how quiet it had gotten. Looking up, I was startled to see James on the verge of contentment, staring up into Jim's face. What shocked me even more though, was Jim's expression. Those blue eyes that were usually sparking and witty were filled with a softness I hadn't seen since James had been born. Holding my baby, Jim seemed more... whole._

"_See? You just needed to have Uncle Jim hold you," he whispered, rocking James a little. A wide smile spread across my son's face before he yawned. Within minutes, he was fast asleep. I gaped at them, my chest painfully tight. When Jim finally handed him back to me, I was barely able to speak from gratitude._

"_How did you know?" I rasped, holding James carefully so he wouldn't reawaken. Jim shrugged, not meeting my gaze._

"_I just had a feeling he needed some male comfort instead of female," he mumbled. He turned and started walking off, hands shoved in the pockets of his pants._

"_Jim, wait," I called out, going after him. He stopped, not turning around right away. "Thank you," I went on, "I−I don't know what I'd do without you, right now. Me or James." _

_When he turned around, I was taken aback once more by the look in his blue eyes. There was pain, deep, crushing pain, but something entirely surprising: guilt. What on earth was he guilty about?_

"_Yeah. Same here, Hells," he said, swallowing thickly. Before I could say another word, he had disappeared out into the hallway._

_~*~*~*~_

"Well, this is home," says Chris, opening the door for me. Her apartment is dusty, but surprisingly nice: neat, casual, and comforting. It's completely Christine. I walk in tentatively, unsure of what I should do.

"This is nice, Chris," I mumble finally, examining the living room and kitchen as best I can from my spot in the hallway.

"Thanks. I was able to get some special licenses to actually fix the place up to my standards, not Starfleet's. I couldn't take the factory style dorms, and the living quarters for returning officers are even worse," she remarks, shutting door and setting the lock.

"What did you have to do to get the licenses?" I ask, perplexed that Starfleet would let anyone change the design of their apartments for any reason. She shrugs, a wicked grin spreading over her face.

"I begged like only a desperate woman can beg," she replies lazily. We both share a short laugh before she starts bustling around the apartment.

"You and Jamesy can sleep in the spare bedroom; I'll have a cradle sent up here, and you'll be all set," she calls from the kitchen. I acknowledge her words, but I'm busy studying the living room with great curiosity. There's several photos on a table beside the couch, ones of Christine with people I've never met, one of her and an older couple who must be her parents, and one picture that hides behind them all. It's a graduation photo. All the cadets are dressed in standard medical blue, and most are grinning hugely, laughing at the camera. I see Christine, giving the peace sign; her hair is longer and her face is more innocent. Behind her is Len. I sit down on the couch, laying James beside me, and I stare at his face.

He's wearing that half smile he often did, but I can tell there's a great amount of pride and happiness in the dark hazel depths of his eyes. He was happy he graduated, and undoubtedly happy that he didn't face any major repercussions from his part on sneaking Jim aboard the Enterprise during the Vulcan crisis. It's purely him, my Len, the way he was supposed to be. I'm overwhelmed by a wash of loneliness, not only for myself but for our son. Now James will have to rely on me and Jim to retell stories of his father's escapades.

"Helen, you okay?" Chris's voice makes me jump, and the picture slips from my hands to the floor. Thankfully it doesn't break, but as soon as she sees the photo, she looks horrified. "Oh my God, I completely forgot I had this, I'll put it away−"

"No, please don't!" I exclaim, grabbing her hands, "Don't... Keep it out. It's−it feels good to see him like this, happy." She stares at me, but I can see tears brimming in her eyes. "Please, keep it out."

~*~*~*~

"_So there was this one time at school−" _

"_Jim, you keep your mouth shut or I'll have you in for monthly prostate checks from here till next October!"_

"_Why Bones, I didn't know you were so eager to get in my pants."_

_I nearly died laughing as Len lobbed his glass of whiskey at Jim's head. We'd been sitting at the bar for almost four hours, and even though I wasn't drinking anything, it was funny to see the guys trade jibes back and forth. It was like watching my brothers fight all over again._

"_Sorry Jim, but the only person who's allowed to get into Leonard's pants is me. I've barred him from getting into anyone else's," I said, sipping at my iced tea. Jim faked being hurt and grabbed his heart._

"_Why Helen, how could you? Now who am I going to use as my boy toy?"_

"_I heard Spock does it really good," I said smoothly, and causing Len to snort his replacement whiskey out his nose with laughter. I thought Jim was going to pass out from his expression of horror._

"_My God, Helen, what did Bones do to corrupt you so badly?" he exclaimed, still looking a little sick. Leonard scoffed, downing his whiskey._

"_You're joking right? I didn't do anything; you gave her to me this way. This was your fault," he shot back, wagging his finger at Jim. Jim rolled his eyes, going back to nursing his beer._

"_We weren't together long enough for me to mess her up that bad. This is totally your fault," he muttered._

"_Guys, I'm still right here," I said pointedly, giving them a little wave._

"_Yeah, right. Okay Helen, you tell us who gave you this twisted sense of humour?" Len said, looking at me as shrewdly as he could, given the influence of the whiskey. I sipped demurely at my iced tea, tracing a pattern on my thigh._

"_Scotty," I said at last, enjoying the look of shock that was mirrored on both Len's and Jim's faces. "Nothing like a Scotsman to give you the ammo needed to out joke you two."_

"_Huh," Jim said, obviously thinking._

"_Never woulda thought he was that perverse," Leonard mused, starting on yet another whiskey. I chuckled. We both sat in silence for a few moments, enjoying our drinks._

"_Jim, I thought you were straight," Len said suddenly, looking at his best friend curiously. Jim choked, coughing harshly as he tried to defend his honour._

"_Good heavens, Bones, we've known each other how long?! You know I'm straight! If I wasn't, you wouldn't be sitting here with Helen right now," he snapped, pointing at me. I smiled innocently; I was enjoying this immensely. Len leaned over, narrowing one eye._

"_And just what makes you think I'd go for you of all people?"_

"_Bones, have you known anyone to resist this?" Jim said, gesturing to himself._

"_Yeah, me and her," Len answered, jerking his thumb to me and taking gulp of his drink. Jim's smile was still pasted on, but I saw how strained it was. Evidently, Jim still felt hurt that I'd chosen Len over him. We fell silent for a moment, each of us lost in our thoughts._

"_So Jim, what was this story you were going to tell me?"_

_~*~*~*~_

A few days rest is just what I needed, away from the ship and all reminders of Len. However, I don't think it will last much longer.

"We're here," says Chris, turning the shuttle off. I start shaking unintentionally. Out the window, I can see the house that Len's ex is living in. The house Jo lives in. "You gonna be okay?"

I brush myself off mentally, standing up with James in my arms. "I'll be fine," I hear myself say, but I'm not quite sure if I'm lying or not. Stepping out into the hot Georgia sun, I walk steadily up to the front door of the house. Before I'm able to knock, the door opens, revealing a young girl of about seven. As soon as I see her, I know she's Joanna; she's got her father's eyes.

"Can I help you?" she asks, her voice carrying the same slight twang Len's did. I find myself fighting tears once more.

"Yes, yes you can. Are you Joanna?" I say shakily, bending so we're eye to eye. She immediately becomes wary, hiding behind the door a little more.

"Who wants to know?" she growls. I smile as best I can.

"I'm Helen, Jo. I'm your father's... friend," I answer. Almost immediately, Jo's eyes widen and she smiles.

"You're Helen? Oh my goggles, I thought I'd never get to meet you" she squeaks, bouncing around, "Daddy told me about you ages ago but I thought he was going to be gone for a really long time still!"

"Yeah, I know, I thought I was going to have put off meeting you for a few years still," I agree, staring off into space. Jo's impatient voice brings me back to the present as she tries to see James.

"You know, it's not good to have a baby out here in the sun; he could get burnt," she says seriously, dragging me in. I follow somewhat reluctantly, feeling like I'm intruding in a place I shouldn't be. "You want something to drink? We got water and iced tea and peach juice and milk and−"

"Water's fine," I interrupt quickly, staring at the immense kitchen and dining room; Len really hadn't been lying when he'd said his wife had taken everything in the divorce. "Jo, is your mother home?"

Jo sets the glass of water for me on the counter, looking at me curiously. "Yeah, she's upstairs. Why?"

"I−I need to speak with her, Jo."

Immediately, Jo's expression turns to one of panic before she regains her composure; I'm shaken by how much this girl is like Leonard.

"Something's happened to Dad, hasn't there," she says; it's not a question. I don't have the heart to tell her she's right. Taking my silence as an answer, she immediately runs upstairs, calling loudly for her mother. I take a sip of my water, trying to calm my still strained nerves.

"You brought _who_ into our house?" snaps a sour voice, and I turn around to see a blonde woman in tight trousers and a t-shirt enter the kitchen. Her face is just as bitter as her voice, and I can see why Len left her; she's wholly unpleasant. She looks me up and down, pursing her lips and glaring when she sees the small gold band on my ring finger. "So you're that bi−that woman Leonard married. And knocked up, obviously." It takes all my self control not to call her every name under the sun, but Jo's hiding behind her mother and watching us carefully. I will not be responsible for corrupting the child. This idiotic woman can have the guilt of that on her shoulders.

"I'm Helen McCoy, ma'am, and I didn't come here to discuss my personal relationships," I snarl, hoisting James up on my hip, "And I'm sorry, Len didn't mention you. What was your name again?"

The woman is furious, she almost looks ready to slap me. "It's Beth, Mrs. McCoy." She pulls an energy drink out of the fridge before plunking herself onto a very luxurious leather couch. "So why are you here, come to complain about what an a-hole my ex husband is?"

I've almost had it. "No, actually, I'm not. I thought it would be nice for me to come down and see Len's daughter, seeing as he can't anymore."

Beth pauses on her drink, undoubtedly not expecting those words to come out of my mouth. Jo is still trying to keep a straight face, but her chin is trembling in the tell tale fashion that means she's trying to keep from crying.

"What do you mean, 'he can't'?" Beth says slowly, standing up.

"Maybe we should talk in private−"

"Whatever you've got to say, you can say it in front of my daughter, she's not all innocence," Beth interrupts me, arms crossed and glaring shrewdly at me.

"Even so, I don't think−"

"I wanna stay. He's my dad, and I deserve to know," comes Jo's quiet voice, silencing Beth and I. I want to hug the girl, but Jo's determined hazel eyes say she wants to be treated like an adult; I know she would not appreciate any forms of affection from me or her mother at this point. I sit down, taking a few deep breaths as I prepare to tell them.

"You're father−he passed away about three weeks ago on an away mission," I mumble.

For several moments, there is shocked silence, and then Jo gets up slowly, leaves the room and disappears upstairs. The quiet continues, but it is eventually shattered by the racking sobs of the small girl upstairs.

It is probably the most heart breaking thing I have ever heard. Neither Beth nor I move, and Jo's crying hovers in the air, giving voice to the grief and loss that is smothering the living room.

~*~*~*~

"_I'll talk to you soon, sweetheart. And as soon as we get back to Earth, I'll have a surprise for you," Len said, smiling sadly, "I love you." The visual of a smiling little girl disappeared instantly, and we were plunged into darkness. I felt myself blushing as Len got up and stared out the window of our cabin; I had just walked in from visiting Nyota and Spock, and I had not meant to walk in on Len's conversation with his daughter. I cleared my throat a little to draw his attention._

_He spun around, surprised but not unhappy. "Hells, I thought you weren't going to be back for a bit still," he said as he walked over and gave me a quick kiss. I passed a sleepy James over to him as I started changing into my pyjamas._

"_Actually, it's almost a half hour later than I intended to stay out," I replied, braiding my hair. Len raised his eyebrows, rocking James gently as he watched._

"_Wow, I didn't realize I'd been talking to Jo for so long," he mused. I shrugged, going next to him._

"_I wanted to make sure you got a nice long talk with her, Len, I know how much she means to you," I murmured softly. Len smiled slightly, wrapping one arm around my shoulder and pulling me close against him. We stood together for a few moments in silence, looking down at our now sleeping son. "How'd it go?"_

"_She's getting straight A's in school, she's bored in almost all her classes but art, and she really wants to meet you," he said finally, "And she misses having double nut fudge sundaes at Crowley's Ice Parlour; I promised her the minute we get back I'd buy her one."_

_I smiled, closing my eyes and resting against the warmth of his body; this was just one of the many reasons I loved the man._

_-----------------_

**Well, there's chapter six... I figured I'd give you a bit of a happier ending, considering how long and relatively unhappy this chapter was. To be honest, at least the next two will be sadder, but then the action will be returning. The Dorisians have some very evil plans, but Len's part in their scheming is very small...**

**Next chapter, Helen has to decide if she wants to return to the Enterprise or not. More angst is coming!**

**Loves and hugs!!!!!**


	7. Keep Holding On

**Evening my lovely readers!! I apologize for this being on the late side, but the muse would NOT cooperate. As a result, this chapter is all over the place, and the only real story/plot bit is at the end... So I'll understand if you guys think this one is crap. Heck, I think it's the worst one(hopefully this will be as bad as it gets; fun battle-y stuff is coming up, so that ought to be exciting!). **

**Anyhow, this chapter takes place approximately three weeks after Helen went and saw Jo. I know there's not much for flashbacks as far as her time on Earth, or a memorial service for Bones, but that may still be coming. Once again, I obey the muse, not the other way around. Although I do sometimes change something just to be kinder to you all... And that's a very good thing.**

**Thanks to my reviewers and lurkers!! Comments make my day, but knowing that people are reading it are almost as good! I hope this is good enough to tide you over until I get the next chap going.**

**Disclaimer: You all already know I don't own ST right? No? Well, I don't.**

**-------------------**

**Keep Holding On**

The sun is rising, barely peaking over the horizon when I awake. I stare at it for a few minutes, mulling over my dreams. I'd been fairly certain that I would stay on Earth and raise James than go back on the Enterprise, but now I wasn't so sure. Dreams had never been a big part of my life at any time, but this one was different.

~*~*~*~

_I was staring out the window of my cabin, the stars flashing by._

"_Never thought I'd actually miss this boat," said someone from behind me. I spun around, coming face to face with Len. He had a rueful smile on his face as his gaze followed the stars before he looked down at me. "But its home now. With you, James... our new little miracle." My mouth fell open, and I looked down at my belly; sure enough, there was the slightest roundness to it. I touched my stomach tentatively, certain that it wasn't real. But it didn't give, and the firmness was exactly like that of when I'd been pregnant with James. Len placed his hand over mine, blinking softly. "You do wanna stay on the Enterprise, right?"_

_Looking up at the expression on his face, I couldn't say no. "I'll stay here until the end."_

_~*~*~*~_

Pulling on a clean set of clothes, I pack my things. My shower was much needed, and now I'm certain of what I want to do. But I will need to hurry; Chris told me yesterday that the shuttles for the Enterprise would be leaving at eight; I have less than half an hour to clean up, close the apartment, and get to the shuttle hanger. I'll be pushing it.

Stuffing the last of my belongings and James' into a duffel, I grab the baby carrier and head for the door. Entering the locking code, I make sure the door is locked before I sprint as well as I can to the lift; the clock on the wall says I have fifteen minutes.

"Come on, come on," I growl, willing the lift to go faster. It arrives in what seems like hours but it's only been a few seconds. I burst through the doors before they've even opened properly causing me to trip and almost fall.

I've never run so hard in my life, although the time the Rackla was after me is a close second. People jump out of my way as I race past, giving me strange looks, but I don't care. The shuttle hanger is in front of me, and I can see the first shuttles carrying the crew leaving. Panic fills me, and I drag up all reserve energy I have, begging my feet to move faster. They must have listened, because I'm practically flying the last few hundred metres.

"Wait!" I scream, "Please wait!" It is to their grace that the officers in charge of boarding do pause and let me slog up to the boarding ramp.

"Name and serial number?" asks the first officer, raising his eyebrows at my appearance.

"Name and what?" I bluster, wheezing and barely able to think.

"Name and serial number," he growls, getting impatient.

"McCoy, Helen, number 5249, rank lieutenant," I reply at last. The officer scrolls through his data PADD, then looks back up at me, a smug smile on his face.

"There's no one cleared for attendance by that name−"

"She's with me, commander," interrupts a familiar voice, and I see Jim appear behind him, stony faced and a little cold.

"But sir−"

The look Jim fixes with the commander is nothing short of deathly. "Look again. I believe you'll find her name there." Less then a minute later, the commander 'finds' my name and whisks me aboard the shuttle. I am greeted by astonished looks from the bridge crew, all of whom are seated in the shuttle.

"Mesus McCoy, I thought you ver not coming back," says Pavel, the first to speak up. I squeeze between him and Nyota, settling James' carrier on my lap.

"Force of habit, I guess. I couldn't let you all have the adventures," I joke weakly.

"This is Captain Kirk, we're ready for take off," barks out Jim's voice, and I feel the shuttle depart. We're going back.

~*~*~*~

"_Aw man, am I ever glad shore leave is over," Len groaned, throwing his suitcase on the bed. I collapsed beside it, wanting nothing more than to just sleep for another fourteen hours._

"_Yeah, but now you'll have the aftermath−" I started to mumble, then a finger on my lips silenced me._

"_Darlin', you don't mention that right now. I just want a few stiff hours of sleep." As to drive the point home, he fell beside me, almost on top of me. I let out a small yelp, but he pulled me in tight, resting his head on mine. His breathing relaxed and deepened, and I found myself being lulled to sleep as well. "Hey Hells?"_

"_Mmm?"_

"_You still smell like that rose oil from the spa, you know that?"_

_I giggled, pulling away a little. "I thought you liked that smell, Leonard McCoy."_

_Before I could do anything, he kissed me full on, resting his forehead on mine. "Who says I don't, Helen Forrest? I say−" he adjusted his position so we were pressed together rather suggestively, "−we see how long we can make that oil last."_

_I smiled coyly, tapping his nose with the tip of my finger. He caught my hand, kissing the tips of my fingers softly. _

"_Len, as entertaining as that may be, my mouth is up here," I whispered. He got a smile that made my stomach turn to a flock of butterflies, and before I was able to register what was going on, he was on top of me, kissing me hard and fighting for breath. I returned it eagerly, and soon clothing was flying every which way._

"_Good God, Helen, you and your damn fingers−"_

"_Paging Dr. McCoy," interrupted a voice from the comm; it had vaguely sounded like Christine. Len growled something under his breath as he went back to biting my jaw. "Dr. McCoy, please answer."_

"_God−fucking−dammit, what the hell could be so damn important," he snarled, stomping over to the comm. "What?"_

"_The captain just came in complaining about itchy−"_

"_Right, I'm on my way," Len sighed, zipping up his pants and grabbing for a clean shirt. I smiled sadly, sitting up. He saw me and paused, looking almost pained. "I'll be back, I promise," he swore, kissing me swiftly before heading for the door._

"_I know you will." My words were swallowed in darkness as the door slid shut and I was left alone once more. Sighing heavily, I fell back on the bed and stared at the ceiling._

_~*~*~*~_

"Oh, hi, you must be Helen! I'm Tyler Cutner, the new CMO," exclaims the bright faced young man before me. He has a good handshake, but I almost want to cry with despair over the fact that probably within the next several months his face will lose the innocence and become that of a man who had seen too much. As he chatters happily about Len and how much he will try to live up to Len's reputation, I just see my husband bustling around and snapping good naturedly at everyone.

It will still be a very long time before I'm able to come into Sick Bay without thinking about him.

~*~*~*~

"_And this, James, is a hypospray. Uncle Jim and this little sucker are mortal enemies, so if he ever bugs you beyond belief, which he will, all you'll have to do is threaten him and he'll leave you alone," Len said, holding a hypo out for James to ogle and touch. It was one of Len's days off, and he was spending some quality time with James. I hadn't meant to come in on them, but I was back to working in engineering, and that of course resulted in injury, despite Scotty's precautions._

"_Len, are you sure showing him sharp instruments is a good idea?" I said weakly, continuing to put pressure on the cut that was slicing up my wrist. It was almost funny to see his expression change from surprise and happiness to shock, to irritation, and finally to resignation._

_Hoisting Jims on one hip, he walked over and grabbed my arm, examining the cut. "I should have expected this weeks ago," he growled, gathering up a dermal regenerator and disinfectant. I took James in my good arm, bouncing him a little._

"_Well, you know I hate to disappoint," I snarked back, "Ouch."_

_Len threw the disinfectant pad in the garbage and turned on the regenerator; in no time at all, I felt the tell-tale itchiness as my skin knitted back together. "Well, there you go. Good as new," he said finally, taking James back. I hopped off the table, flexing my arm._

"_Wow, that was great," I said, kissing him quickly, "Thanks, love." _

"_You take care of yourself or you'll have me to answer to!"_

_~*~*~*~_

My shift starts in an hour, and I just wanted some down time before I got to work; James is busy wooing over the women in communications, so I know he's in good hands. For the past few days, he's been trying to speak, and although he hasn't produced anything discernable, it's absolutely adorable.

"How are you doing?" Chris asks quietly, making sure no one can easily overhear us. I sigh, pushing my hair out of my face.

"As well as can be expected. I think I'll be better once we get something to sink our teeth into," I reply. She nods, understanding completely; I don't need to ask her to know that things in Sick Bay have been a lot different since Len died. It's been over a month since the incident, but it doesn't seem that long.

"You have plans tonight?" she says, looking up curiously.

"Nyota and Spock are borrowing James for the evening; Nyota's been dying to have him over for more than two hours since he was born. I wouldn't be surprised if she's trying to convince Spock to let them start a family."

"Can you imagine what the ship would be like? Between your son and Spock's, it'll be a miracle if the crew is sane by the time the next two years are done."

We laugh, knowing that she's speaking some truth. James may look like Len, but he's got a devilish streak that reminds me a lot of my father; he'll be a trouble maker. And any child of Spock's is bound to be a refreshing twist on logic. Now if we could throw in a child from Jim, then there really would be hell on board.

"Well, I should probably go; Monty's expecting me in ten minutes, and he'll pitch a lecture if I'm not on time. I'll see you later," I say, straightening my uniform and heading for the doors. Before I get to them though, Jim walks through, looking like he's searching for something. Upon seeing me, he stops, that guarded look returning to his eyes.

"Helen, I thought you were supposed to be on duty," he says, folding his arms.

"I'm on my way there now, sir," I reply formally, unsure as to why he's treating me so differently. It's like a different person took over him after Len died. As if realizing this himself, he relaxes and tries to put on a smile.

"It's Jim, Hells, I thought we'd been through that," he says, taking my shoulders in his hands. "Anyhow... what are you doing tonight?"

"Nothing, as of yet... Nyota and Spock are looking after James, so I thought I'd sort through my things..." I trail off, leaving the obvious out. I have yet to reorganize the room to just a single occupancy, but I'm in no hurry to change it.

"Great, great," Jim blusters on, looking a little flushed, "Do you mind if I, uh... come over?"

"No! Of course not, please do." A quick look at my watch has me swearing and running like mad down to engineering. "I'll see you later Jim!" I call over my shoulder.

~*~*~*~

_Leonard and I jumped to our feet the minute Jim crawled through our doorway, bloody and beaten to within an inch of his life. And drunk, we judged, as the strong smell of liquor wafted in with him._

"_Good God man, what happened?" Len exclaimed, running a scanner over his best friend. Jim smiled toothily, blood dripping steadily down his chin._

"_Well, see, there was this guy who said−"_

"_Never mind, I don't want to hear it," sighed Len, starting to patch Jim up. I stood and watched, unsure of what I could do._

"_Hey Bones?" slurred Jim, now looking up at me._

"_What?"_

"_Your girlfriend is the most beautiful thing on the planet."_

_Both Len and I stared at Jim, who seemed wholly unaware of what he was saying. _

_His next words only sealed it. "I think I love her."_

_~*~*~*~_

"Come in," I call, pausing from putting books into a box to welcome my guest. Sure enough, Jim enters, looking like he's actually attempted to clean up his appearance. I've never seen him like this, and it's an interesting curiosity.

"Hey," he mumbles, standing awkwardly by the bed. I place the now full box in the corner beside James' crib, dusting my hands off.

"Hey yourself," I respond finally, putting my hands on my hips, "So why'd you come over, to help me pack or to talk?"

He cracks a smile. "Can't I do both?" I roll my eyes, but return the smile; it's just like the old Jim. I nod, and he starts organizing Len's old clothing for recycling. At first, I try to put on a brave face and tell myself that it is for the best. But as more and more of Len's belongings join the pile, it feels like my chest is ripping open.

"Wait... please," I whisper, padding over slowly. Jim stops, and upon seeing my expression, drops the shirt he is holding. I pick it back up, smoothing the blue fabric with tender fingers. "He always complained about the colour, you know, said it made him look tired... I always thought it brought out his eyes," I mumble, starting to tear up. Jim looks away, but I catch the stricken expression on his face; he feels bad, yet he shouldn't.

"I'm sorry, I thought I was ready to put his stuff away," I say quickly, trying vainly to sound cheery, "It's been several weeks..." Before I can stop it, the sobs are coming fast and hard, my first real emotional breakdown in weeks. Jim hovers behind me, but doesn't touch me, for which I'm thankful. "I just miss him so much, Jim, I can't take it, it's so damn _painful_ just to breathe without him. There's no one there to hold me, to tell me I'm being ridiculous, to tell me that I'm loved... I−I just don't want to be alone anymore..."

"You don't have to be," Jim spits out. I stop crying almost immediately, stunned into silence by his words.

"Pardon?" I say finally, turning around. Jim's staring at me with the most bizarre look; it actually scares me a little. He steps forward so we are almost face to face; I'm rooted to the spot.

"You don't have to be alone, Helen," he repeats, his voice soft and husky. As he leans in, some part of me tells me this is wrong, this is only going to end in more heartbreak.

"Jim−" I try to say, then his lips are on mine.

By the passing stars, we remain, lost in each other.

------------------------

**Alright, how many of you guessed that would happen? And in my defence, that could logically happen(Spock would be so proud... or whatever, lol); both are emotionally distressed, and seeing as one is harbouring VERY strong feelings for the other, in a moment of emotional weakness, such impulsiveness could occur. Now, the question is... how far do they go? How much are you guys reading between the lines right now? Oh I'm all a tingle!**

**Next chap: Admiral Pike sends a very urgent transmission to the Enterprise. One that may just see them bringing back a friend from the dead. X)**

**As I have used logic very well, Spock would like to recommend that you provide invoice as to whether this chapter was satisfactory or not. ;)**

**Love you guys!!!!!**

**PS, who caught the House reference?**


	8. Rebirthing

**Good evening my dear readers! Well, I worked long and hard on this chapter for you guys, and I think you'll like it. Lots of action and TONS of angst. The kind of angst that makes me cackle and typically makes my readers think I've lost it(I haven't, for the record). So, if you thought the last chapter was a disappointment(which I won't blame you if you thought it was), this one should make up for it. **

**So, once again, I'll remind you this isn't a death fic. Nobody is dying. Just remember that when you get to the end.**

**Once more, thank you to my wonderful reviewers! I know the last chapter was very... out there and not really good, but you stuck through it all! Even if it did seem like my muse had just lost it entirely and was going to make a cornball out of this fic. It ain't gonna happen, my dears! At least I hope not...**

**Disclaimer: You'll be the first to know if I ever own Star Trek, I promise.**

**-------------**

**Rebirthing**

"_Admiral, there's an incoming transmission for you."_

_Christopher Pike put down the data PADD he was reading, dredging up only a tiny bit of curiosity. "Patch it through," he said, looking at the blank screen expectantly. The image materialized after a few seconds, and it was all he could do not to start trying to physically harm the person on the other end._

"_Admiral Pike, I presume," sneered Tai Parr, looking very much alive. Christopher ground his teeth, refusing to say anything. It only served to widen Tai Parr's icy smile. "My, you don't seem very pleased to see me−"_

"_You murdered my friend and colleague, what makes you think I'd be remotely pleased to see you?" Christopher spat._

"_Tut, tut, with your temper, you'll be dead before you turn sixty," soothed Tai Parr, holding up his hands. Christopher gripped the edges of his seat with as much strength as he could; he was honestly amazing himself with the amount of self control he had._

"_You're going to get what's coming to you, you know? The Federation doesn't take lightly to murder−"_

"_That would be cute and all, if the man you speak of was actually dead." Tai Parr stepped aside, revealing two guards holding up a dishevelled and beaten man. Christopher felt his stomach go numb as he recognized Leonard McCoy, or at least whatever was left of the man. The person before him looked more like a wild animal than human; Christopher even wondered if he was still sane._

"_What have you _done _to him?" Christopher snarled, standing up at last and shaking with fury._

"_Oh please, sit down before you hurt yourself again," Tai Parr snapped, blocking the view of McCoy once more. Christopher refused to. "Very well, Admiral," said the Dorisian, "You have seen what we have. If you want this doctor of yours back, I suggest you pay very close attention to my demands."_

_Christopher remained silent, although it was obvious he wished to be the opposite. It elicited a chuckle from Tai Parr._

"_Think you're something special, eh? We'll see about that."_

"_You just going to sit there and yak?" Christopher bit out at last, getting more and more impatient by the second._

"_On the contrary. What we want is simple: control of your Federation, to be called on in times of crisis and whenever else we deem necessary."_

_Christopher could only stare for several minutes before he burst out laughing. "You're joking right?"_

"_I do not joke, Admiral," snapped Tai Parr, now looking irritated himself, "You will do so, or I promise you Dr. McCoy's death will be the first of many. And believe me: we have the capability hitting you right where it hurts."_

_Christopher leant down so he was almost nose with the screen. "You think we'd surrender the Federation for one man?"_

"_As a matter of fact, I know you will." The screen cut out immediately, and Christopher was plunged into darkness once more, the cold feeling returning. Everything hung in the balance, but for how much longer? The Federation couldn't be handed over just like that, but leaving Dr. McCoy there was not an option either._

_Even before he registered what he was doing, he pressed the comm button._

"_Get me Captain Kirk immediately."_

_~*~*~*~_

"Attention, will the following crewmen meet me in conference room three immediately: Spock, Nyota Uhura, Montgomery Scott, Pavel Chekov, Hikaru Sulu, and Helen McCoy. Report now."

I pause from my tampering with some wires, surprised by Jim's sudden announcement; he sounds more on edge than usual. I put the wires back into their proper order as quickly as possible and meet up with Scotty on our way to the turbo lift.

"Any idea what he wants us for?" I ask him.

"Your guess is a good as mine, lass," he replies, shrugging. I'm confused as all get out, to be honest; I can see why Jim would want to meet with everyone he mentioned, but I make no sense. We've barely spoken since that night almost a month ago, and to be quite honest, I'm happy. I prefer not to think of that night, even if all we did was kiss; I still can't shake the feeling that I'm being unfaithful to Len. At least Jim has the decency to understand and even feel bad about it; God knows I was like a wreck after that kiss.

"You comin', or are ya jus' gonna stand there, Helen?" Scotty says loudly, bringing my head out of the clouds. He's standing in the hall, waiting for me to leave the turbo lift. I immediately jump out, embarrassed and a little irritated. However, that kindly look in Scotty's eyes makes my mood flip over and I smile reassuringly at him. "You feelin' okay?"

"As well as can be expected," I reply honestly, folding my arms across my chest. At least my stomach isn't heaving today, so I'm physically fine. However, I know he means how I'm feeling emotionally. Despite everything that's happened, he's been there almost as much as Jim was. Not surprisingly, I consider him a surrogate brother of sorts.

"Well, let's see what th' Cap'n wants so we can get back ta work," he says cheerily, letting me enter the room before he does. Everyone else is already there, looking just as curious as I feel. Jim has his back to us, but there's a rigidity to his shoulders that is not comforting. Have we done something wrong?

"Take a seat," he growls, not looking at us yet. Taking the empty chair beside Nyota and Scotty sitting beside me, I study Jim warily. When he finally turns around, he doesn't look anyone in the eye. Placing a disc into the computer's system, he speaks once again. "I just received an urgent transmission from Starfleet, directly from Admiral Pike. It concerns..." he struggles to keep from shaking; something really is wrong. "It concerns Dr. McCoy." Without another word, he presses play and lets the transmission run. You could literally feel the air leaving the room.

As soon as it ends, I faint.

~*~*~*~

Jim's POV...

_This morning was going by slowly, almost to the point where I was considering challenging Sulu to a duel. And I suck at fencing._

"_Captain, you have a message from Admiral Pike," Uhura's voice said from the comm. I sighed, hoping Pike would have something remotely exciting for us to do; I was not expecting what he told me._

"_Jim, you look well," he said when he came on. I rolled my eyes, rubbing the bridge of my nose._

"_Sir, please, for the sake of my sanity, tell me there's some Klingons or something that we can go and fight, because I can't take−"_

"_I suggest you cut the bullshit and listen to me," Pike snapped, jerking me out of my moaning and making me sit up straight, "We've got a very serious, very dangerous situation. I assume you remember the Dorisians?"_

_Almost instinctively, my hands curled into fists and it was all I could do not to try and punch something. "Kinda hard to forget, sir, seeing as they killed my best friend and all."_

_Pike leant in closer to the screen, his gray eyes like frozen slate. "Jim, McCoy isn't dead. They've got him, alive." _

_I'd thought I was prepared for whatever Pike was going to tell me, but that just knocked me flat on my back. "Excuse me?" I hissed, growing angrier by the second. _

"_He's not dead. But we've got to act fast, or he will die," Pike went on, speaking more urgently._

"_And by we, you mean me and the Enterprise," I mused out loud, already planning frantically._

_Pike nodded. "I'm sending you the transmission they sent me. You need to know what you're up against and just how dangerous this is going to be. And Jim, be careful with what you tell McCoy's wife; this... this is going to be a serious blow to her." Immediately, a well of uneasiness opened up; Helen was still on the rocks after Bones' death, or supposed death now, who knew what this would do to her. "Good luck Captain," Pike said finally._

"_I'll do my best."_

_~*~*~*~_

I come around slowly, feeling like I've been swimming for hours on end. It takes me a moment to even realize I'm in Sick Bay. At first, all I want to do is sleep, but then I remember the video. I sit bolt upright, hyperventilating and ready to drive the ship to Dorius myself. Chris must have heard me, because she comes over right away and prevents me from moving any further.

"Helen, you've got to calm down," she tries to say, but I override her, panic settling in.

"No, let me go, let go! We've got to get him−"

"Helen, please! If you don't calm down−"

"LET ME GO!" I scream, and I almost wrench myself free, but Chris's next words freeze me in my place.

"Helen, if you don't calm down, you could do serious harm to the baby," she exclaims harshly. Silence falls between us as I stare at her, utterly confused.

"What baby? Whose baby?" I ask, looking at her closely. She gapes at me.

"You don't know?" she says in confusion.

"Know _what_?" I reply, falling back on the bed a little. She blows out a gust of air, handing me the scanner closest to us. The situation is eerily similar to the one that happened almost two years ago, but I still don't clue in, even as I study the small picture of the embryo. I look from Chris to the picture and back. "Whose−"

"Yours. Seven weeks old," Chris says quietly, looking at me closely. I can only imagine my expression; I feel absolutely dumbfounded as I stare down at the little thing. "You didn't know, did you?" she adds in, peering down at the screen with me. I shook my head numbly.

"I just attributed everything to Len's... disappearance. It's been so stressful−"

"Which is why I find it a miracle that you haven't had a miscarriage yet. Please, for the sake of this kid, keep calm," Chris presses. I almost don't hear her, my thoughts whirling; Len's alive, I'm expecting yet again... But at the moment, one thing is more important than the other.

"Chris, where's the captain?"

"_Sir, a Federation ship has just entered our system," barked out a guard, nearly falling down the stairs in haste to deliver his news. Tai Parr smiled, turning back to his prisoner. Leonard McCoy was huddled in the corner, but even though he had the appearance of a man defeated, the sharp intelligence in his eyes said otherwise._

"_You hear that, doctor? Your friends are here to rescue you," said Tai Parr with mock sweetness. Leonard didn't look at him, but the spark in his eyes turned deadly._

"_Go to hell," he rasped, his voice cracking from the lack of use. The alien laughed, his bone ridge swaying in the air._

"_We Dorisians don't believe in your concept of 'hell', Dr. McCoy," he said lazily. Leonard leapt at the bars of his prison, making Tai Parr jump back in surprise._

"_Well, you'd better start believing, you son of a bitch, because that's where you're goin'," he snarled, and between his matted hair and unkempt beard, he didn't look remotely human but wholly terrifying. Tai Parr swallowed._

"_Get him out of here, no doubt the starship will want to collect him soon," he said at last, trying to regain his cool composure. However, as he climbed back up the stairs, he couldn't shake the uneasy feeling that Leonard McCoy would try to follow through with his words._

"Ve are entering the Weweru seestem, sir," announces Pavel.

"On screen," commands Jim, leaning forward in his chair. We all fall silent, and the bridge seems to drop several degrees as Dorius comes up on the view screen. The planet steadily grows larger as we continue on our course.

"Captain, we're being hailed," says Uhura suddenly. Jim nods for her to put it on screen, and seconds later we are all staring at an alien with what almost looks like a sideways triceratops frill on his head.

"Tai Parr," Jim spits out coldly, undisguised loathing on his face. The alien smiles, bowing his head slightly.

"Jim Kirk, I was certain you'd forgotten who I was," said this Tai Parr, a slimy sneer embedded in his voice. Jim's mouth twitches upward in a cold smile, and I see his hand twitch towards his phaser. Instantly, I realize this must be the person responsible for my Len's capture.

"Who could forget your face, Tai Parr, when it's oh so reminiscent of a pile of rotting carcases," Jim replies with the smoothness of cream, thoroughly enjoying the enraged look on Tai Parr's face.

"Bite your tongue, Captain, or your friend will die anyway," he snarls. Jim's jaw clenches uncharacteristically hard.

"What do you want?"

"For you and whatever people you feel necessary to come down and participate in the exchange: rights to the Federation for your Dr. McCoy. We are expecting you in fifteen minutes." With that, the transmission ends, leaving us all in silence.

"With all due respect, sir, I'd like to come down," I say, looking over at Jim.

"Out of the question," he replies immediately, motioning for Spock and Nyota to follow him. I go after them, annoyed at Jim's response.

"And just why not?" I ask, blocking their way.

"Because you're emotionally compromised in the situation, and you could put this mission in subsequent danger," he answers coolly. I purse my lips, fighting back the anger that rising from my gut.

"And you're not? _Captain_?" I snap, shoving my face into his. He narrows his eyes so they resemble chips of blue ice. Before he can reprimand me though, there's a surprised shout from one of the other officers on the bridge.

"Captain! I've detected a human bio sign; it appears to be moving away from the Dorisian capital," says the ensign, appearing visibly shaken, "It matches Dr. McCoy's bio signature." In a flash, we all scramble to see what the ensign has on her view screen. Sure enough, there's a small blue dot moving steadily away from various clusters of Dorisians. But before any of us draw a sigh of relief, several Dorisian life signs are following Len's and are gaining rapidly.

Jim races to the comm, paging the transporter room. "Scotty, I need to get a lock on the human bio sign now! That's Dr. McCoy!" he nearly yells, his face pale. I'm gripping onto the banister just so I won't collapse; if we don't get Len back now...

"I'm tryin' Cap'n, but the damn trees−"

"I don't care what you have to do, GET HIM BACK ON THIS SHIP!" This time, Jim does scream. Not even waiting for Scotty to reply, he gets into the turbo lift, but not before I join him. He looks at me, but before he can open his mouth, I loose my temper on him.

"You make me get off, James Kirk, and it'll be the last thing you _ever_ do," I hiss. He doesn't say anything, but he gets the drift perfectly. The turbo lift doors slide open and we sprint down the hall, knocking people aside in our rush to the transporter room.

"Scotty−"

"I've almost got'im sir," Scotty finishes for him, "Counteracting the interference and− oh bloody hell, he's in the damn trees agin!" I'm starting to shake badly, and it takes Jim grip on my arms to stop me from falling down completely. I can't take this much longer.

"We'll get him, Hells, we'll get him," Jim breathes in my ear, but I can tell he's just as scared as I am.

"AH! GOT YA, YA BASTARD!" Scotty crows gleefully seconds later, and the transporter starts humming. My heart is in my throat as the figure starts materializing.

Leonard's POV...

"_You truly intend on giving him back to them?" asked Tai Parr's second in command, Inrale. I refused to look up at his words, simply stoking my anger to nice little fire. If I knew Jim, he wasn't going just march up and give these bastards the Federation, and if he did, then he's a bigger idiot than I thought and the Federation is a club for cowards. Honestly, I really hope I'm wrong._

"_Of course. Unfortunately, the Enterprise will then encounter an ion storm and be completely destroyed," replied the mother fucker who planned my kidnapping in this hell-hole. I thought I'd been pissed off at these before, but the rage I felt now was nothing compared to before. No way in hell I was letting them do that to my family and friends. _

_Jim really should give me more credit on my planning abilities, because if I'm in a pinch, I can come up with some doozies. Like I did now. _

_I needed to get back to the Enterprise, but I couldn't let Jim and probably Helen come down here and basically seal our death warrants. Which left the only foreseeable option in my eyes: I'd have to make a break for it and pray the Enterprise would be able to lock onto me and beam me outta here._

"_Very nice, sir," simpered Inrale, behaving like the coward he is. I tensed on the balls of my feet, calling on every self defence move I know. My idea is crazy at best, and it'll be a miracle if I get away from them unscathed. I'm willing to take that chance though._

_I snapped my leg out, catching the guy to my right in the knee and sending him to the ground as I shattered his kneecap among other things. At the same time, I pivoted and sent my same aggressor foot into the base of the spine of my other guard. Going down like I expected, I moved into the next stage, taking down Tai Parr and Inrale. They'd noticed by now that I was trying to make a break for it, and of course they were moving in to get me back in line. I never gave them the chance. I took Inrale down first, tackling him to the ground and smashing his head onto the ground to, at best, knock him out and at worst kill him. But before I could do anything else, Tai Parr had me by the neck and was slowly squeezing the life out of me._

"_You poor, poor excuse of a living thing," he snarled, "You really think you can take us all on?"_

"_No," I puffed out, twisting my mouth into something that used to be a smile, "But they can." He doesn't fall for the bluff, at least not right away._

"_You're lying," he purred, squeezing tighter. I coughed and wheezed, but I refused to give in._

"_Oh, really?" I managed to say, "Now!" And the bastard bought it. As soon as his head started turning in the opposite direction, I pummelled his stomach with my knees. There were several audible snaps as I broke his bones, and immediately I was released as he went down screaming bloody murder. It was all I needed._

_Two months of torture and near starvation had made me into a shadow of the man I used to be physically, but I'm not a survivor for nothing. Of all the things I've learnt of in life, the most important lesson is to adapt and turn the worst situation into one you can work with. So for those two months I took everything they put me through and I used it. I ran with everything I had now. As I reached the trees, I was almost sure I would escape without anyone trying to take me down. I should have known differently._

"_KILL HIM!" roared out Tai Parr's voice, and before I could register it, I had at least a dozen Dorisians on my tale._

_Oh shit was a total understatement. I pulled on everything I had and ran like the hunted animal I really was._

"_I need a clearing," I told myself, zigzagging back and forth through the undergrowth. _Yeah, a clearing in the middle of a damn forest. Really smart Len. _I'm sometime amazed at how pessimistic I am. But as if God finally decided to take pity on me, there it was: a clearing, a paradise in this land of purgatory. _

"_Thank heaven," I wheezed, trying to get my legs to go faster. But of course, it only resulted in me tripping and falling headlong into a tangled net of weeds and vines._

"_He's over here!" exclaimed a voice from above me and not far enough away. As I fought my way through the plants, I knew it was now or never; if I didn't make it to a place where I could get beamed aboard, I was a goner. _

"_THERE!"_

"_Fire!"_

_I dove onto the mossy covering, the sky visible above me. Behind me, the Dorisians were closing in fast, and now their shots were coming much closer than I wanted. As if to drive that point home, two bullets tore through my bicep while another skimmed over my rib cage. As my blood started spattering onto the ground, I did the only thing I could do: look up at the sky and scream._

"_Beam me up, you bastards!"_

_And by some miracle, I felt the tell-tale tickling sensation as I started to dissolve, followed by the sounds of fury and incredulity from my attackers. I was sorely tempted to give them the finger, but I was stopped from doing anything as one more bullet smashed into my upper chest just as I disappeared altogether._

_When I rematerialized seconds later, I just had time to register Jim's and Helen's faces before I passed out from pain and blood loss._

Helen's POV

Any joy I have of seeing Len again is smashed to pieces the minute I see him. There's blood pouring down the front of whatever's left of his shirt and off his arm, staining the floor around him a sickly scarlet. I'm able to look into his eyes for just a second before he crumples to the floor, blood pool around him ever expanding.

"Get medical in here now!" Jim yells into the comm while I run to Len's side, pressing shaking hands on the jagged wound just below his collar bone. His breathing is faint and shallow, and he's slowly growing paler and paler.

"No, oh please no," I beg, bending over his face, "Don't you dare die on me now!" I vaguely register someone pulling me aside and Len being placed on a stretcher before he's run out of the transporter room.

"Come on," says Jim roughly, pulling me to my feet, "We gotta go with him." I don't need telling twice. By the time we reach Sick Bay, Len's in surgery as Tyler tries to save his life. The doors are locked; they're never locked unless−

"He's going to die, isn't he?" I moan, pressing desperately against the glass separating me from my husband. For once, Jim offers no reassurance.

Christine suddenly appears, looking pale and almost as shaken as I feel. She lets herself out, and she looks between me and Jim. None of us speak.

"How is he?" I say finally, trying to get my voice to sound normal again. Chris licks her lips, and I can see tears in her eyes.

"We don't think he's going to make it, Helen."

----------------

**Remember what I said at the top: not a death fic. I just had to up the suspense somehow. Besides, you didn't really think I'd let Bones get out of there that easily? I hope you didn't... *unsure*.**

**Hope you guys all enjoyed the suspense and drama! And that I have reassured any fears you may have had about what happened in the previous chapter. ;)**

**Next chapter: There's going to be rejoicing, anger, more rejoicing, and some very pissed off Dorisians. It could get ugly.**

**This time Bones says review or get hypoed(well, not really, but if you can... please do.)**

**Loves!!!!**


	9. Broken Dreams

**Gooood morning my dear readers! Here's the update(finally)! I want to apologize for how long this sucker took, but my muse went out of this one for a while, and I don't like writing something when I'm not passionate; it turns out like crap. Luckily, my muse is one a revamping(I think school ending might have something to do with it), and I now know where this is going. Be forwarned, there's going to be some dark bits in the upcoming chapters. And the Dorisians are far from being gone. **

**So this chap is a little all over the place, but I really liked how it came out; really got back to the one-shot feel that these chapters are supposed to have. I just hope you guys enjoy it!**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed/favorited/added my story; you guys make my world go round.**

**Still completely unbeta'd; there's probably some mistakes because I had to do some re-writing and re-installing of Word(not happy about that), so bear with me. I caught as much as I could.**

* * *

**Broken Dreams**

"He's been in there for a long time," Jim mumbles half to himself, staring off into space. I swallow, my throat feeling scratchy and raw.

"Maybe it's a good thing," I manage to rasp, "Maybe it means he'll be okay." We both know I'm being painfully optimistic; it's been almost two hours since Len went into surgery, and besides Chris's initial warning that he might not survive, we've received no word on his condition. Jim's been here off and on for the entire time, but I've refused to move.

"Yeah, maybe..." We fall silent, listening to the soft humming of the ship.

"Have the Dorisians pursued us at all?" I say, looking over at him. He shakes his head, walking around stiffly.

"Nothing, or at least nothing that we've seen. With their technology, they could be following us for all we know. But we've got everything we have scanning and waiting for them to show their ugly faces," he answers. I nod looking, back into Sick Bay. The sense of urgency has diminished a little, but I know it doesn't mean Leonard's going to be okay. He's told me the horror stories about last minute tragedies, and even though I'd love to believe he's going to be okay, I simply don't want to work up the hope only to have it smashed to pieces.

~*~*~*~

_I was reading a book, trying to rest and relax; eight and half months pregnant, and sitting seemed to be the only thing I did well. That and sleeping; I'd only just got up. I was used to waking up without Len there to kiss me good morning, but I was honestly surprised when he wasn't there today. I'd woken up at six in the evening after an awful night's sleep, and typically he was off his shift in Sick Bay between five and six. Now it was close to eight. Sighing heavily, I finally decided to just head up to the Mess hall by myself; I'd send him a message to meet me there. Just as I was about to get up though, he finally came in._

"_Len, where have you..." I started to say, but the ashen look on his face made me stop. "What's wrong?" _

_He didn't answer right away, peeling off his boots slowly and sitting down on the bed. "I was−I was up in surgery. Some kid from engineering got blasted with steam while he was checking a valve. Scalded over ninety percent of his body," he said tonelessly, "It was a miracle he made it to Sick Bay alive with those burns." He fell silent, and the look in his eyes is terrifying, bottomless pools of despair. "We did everything we could, hell, he was even improving... I thought for sure he was gonna make it−" He broke off, sucking back a lungful of air. I sat beside him, putting my hand on his shoulder._

"_Len... sometimes things like that just happen... Life is so delicate−"_

"_I'm supposed to keep people alive, not watch them die Helen! I'm a doctor, not a mortician!" he exclaimed, standing up violently. I didn't point out that morticians were doctors, knowing he wouldn't appreciate the joke or jibe. _

"_Len, what's wrong? You've never reacted like this before," I said quietly as I went over to his side once more. His eyes were closed and his breathing was carefully controlled._

"_Seeing that boy on the table... I kept seeing you, or our kid. I don't know what I'd do if I lost either of you," he said finally. I touched the side of his face, drawing his attention back to the present._

"_You're not going to, Len. We're not going anywhere."_

_~*~*~*~_

"Helen," says James suddenly, "Cutner's coming." I stand up from my seat on the floor, my heart in my throat. The young doctor comes out, looking tired and emotionally drained.

"We've done everything we can now," he begins quietly, "And we thought for sure he wouldn't make it off the table alive. But, I gotta give Dr. McCoy credit; he's a tough guy."

"Does that mean−"

"He'll be out of it for several more hours, but he should make full recovery."

It's the best news I've heard all day, and I sag backwards a little. Jim grabs my arms so I don't fall completely, but I hardly notice.

"Can we see him?" I manage weakly. Tyler looks down at his feet for a moment.

"I suppose... but like I said, he's not awake, and I don't want him conscious for a while yet; he's on blood replacement to make up for all that he lost when he was shot."

I nod, then I walk into Sick Bay, my knees shaking badly. Len is on the same bed he was operated on, although there's no sign of blood anymore save for the small bag attached intravenously to his arm. Lying very still beneath the white sheet covering most of his body, Leonard almost looks small. But even so, I have to look very hard to see the man I married.

Two months on Dorius have changed him more than I thought possible. He's lost a lot of weight, but it's his face that has changed the most. His cheekbones stick out far too much for my liking and a ragged beard shrouds much of his jaw line and neck. I tentatively touch his hair; it's greasy and rough feeling.

"Oh, baby," I whisper, "Oh, baby, please hold on, for me, for James... for our new child." He doesn't say anything, just as I expect. But his heart rate rises just a tiny bit, and I believe he can hear me. I kiss his forehead gently, still stroking his hair. "Come back to us, Len. We miss you." I stand back up, staring at him for a second before I leave, not taking my eyes off of him until he leaves my view.

Jim and Tyler look up as I come out, both carefully neutral.

"You okay?" Jim asks gently. I nod, scraping away the tears that are sliding down my cheeks.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," I reply, "I'm going to go rest, page me if he wakes up."

"We will," Jim and Tyler chorus. Nodding, I start walking down to my cabin.

The room is dark, but the blinking PADD on my bedside table means that someone has been in. I click open the message, and Alice Yan's face appears.

"Hey, Helen. I just wanted to let you know that I've dropped James off. He's had his breakfast and bath, and he seemed really happy today! He's trying to talk to so hard, but I don't think he's going to speak for anyone but you. He just wouldn't stop running around Botany, and I know he's sleeping now, but don't let that fool you; he'll be wired later. Anyway, I hope things are going better for you today. I'll see you tomorrow!" The message fades off, and I'm left in darkness once more. I can feel myself smiling with pride as I set the PADD down and pad over to where James is sleeping.

"Hey baby."

~*~*~*~

"_Hey baby," Len said, both of us staring down at our newborn. It was our first night home together since I'd given birth, and I didn't have words to describe how wonderful it felt._

"_You happy we decided to keep him?" I asked softly, looking up at Len's face. He was glowing, running his hand softly down James' back._

"_Yeah. I wouldn't trade him for the world," he answered, leaning his head against mine. I tried to smile, but exhaustion was taking over once more. I yawned widely, closing my eyes._

"_Alright you, get to bed. Doctor's orders," said Len amusedly, leading me to the bed. I tried to protest, but another yawn cut off my words and I snuggled into the covers. The last thing I heard before I drifted off entirely was Leonard singing softly from the direction of James' crib._

_~*~*~*~_

I awake to the sound of an insistent beeping and James' fussing. I'm actually surprised I managed to fall asleep. I get up, pick up James, and go to the comm.

"McCoy here," I mumble, rubbing my eyes to get the sleep out of them.

"Helen, its Chris; he's awake and demanding to see you," says Chris's voice, undisguised happiness and amusement in it. I run out of my room before she's even finished, practically flying. Bursting into Sick Bay, I feel my knees go weak and I wobble on my feet. Leonard looks up as I enter, and the look in his eyes is indescribable.

"Len," I breathe, slowly walking forward. His mouth pulls upwards.

"Hells, oh Jesus, Hells‒" he manages to say before I run the rest of the way to him, tears already falling down my face. He's holding out his arms weakly, and he pulls me in as much as I fall into him. We're both crying, kissing...

"Len, I thought you were gone," I whisper harshly, "I‒I, oh jeez, Len..." We kiss hard, breaking off from speaking for a few minutes.

"Remembering you, remembering James... kept me alive back there, darlin'," he breathes finally, leaning back down with sigh. He touches James' head, the soft proud smile of fatherhood spreading on his face. "God, you both look beautiful." I set James beside Len, and Len moves a little so our son can be comfortable. We both look at him. James is staring at Len, his dark eyes wide. He reaches out a hand tentatively, touching Len's nose.

"Dad?" he says plaintively. For a moment, we can't say anything, staring at our boy. I can feel the tears falling down my face, my heart reaching a new level of joy. "Dad," James repeats, and he smiles brilliantly. Len laughs painfully, but he still kisses James' forehead as well as he can.

"Hey kiddo," he rasps. He looks at me, his eyes shining much too bright. "How long has he been speaking?"

"That‒that was his first word," I manage to mumble, "He was waiting for you." Len is grinning like I've never seen him smile before, then he pulls me down so it is us three, together as we should be. "Len... we really don't fit well on here," I murmur, standing up a little and wiping my still wet cheeks. He laughs tiredly, shifting James a little.

"Yeah, I gotta talk to Starfleet about making these bio beds bigger," he says. We both fall silent as Tyler approaches, looking a little embarrassed.

"Um, sorry to interrupt, but you really needs to get some rest," he says, his eyes flicking between me and Len.

"Hey look, kid, I'll decide when I'm ready to get some rest," snaps Len, trying to sit up straight and only able do so half heartedly. I smile slightly, looking down.

"Sir, you barely have the strength to lift your son," says Tyler with a little amusement, "You need to recover, you almost died." Len growled under his breath, grudgingly agreeing finally.

"But let me tell you, you whippersnapper, as soon as I can walk, I'm going back to being CMO, whether you like it or not," he threatens. Tyler and I both laugh, but I can hear the slight note of uneasiness in his voice. I know Len will follow through with his promise.

"I'll see you later, baby, we've got some catching up to do..."

~*~*~*~

"_Hey," said Leonard, standing up and holding out his hand. I took it tentatively, pushing a stray curl back behind my ear. I looked over my shoulder quickly, my eyes catching Jim's for just a second before he sat back down in his seat. Leonard saw it, and he squeezed my hand, bringing my gaze back to his. That dark hazel was soft and sympathetic. "You okay? Is Jim okay?"_

"_Jim's... being Jim. I hurt his feelings, and he's just brushing it off."_

_Leonard ran his thumb over the back of my hand. "I'll talk to him, if need be. But if I know Jim like I think I do, he'll find his own way to get over it. He always does."_

_I gave him a small smile, but looking over at Jim, I can't help but feel a little doubtful._

_~*~*~*~_

"I can see the ship hasn't changed much in two months," comments Len ruefully, limping with me back to our table in the Mess Hall. I laugh slightly, setting down my tray.

"You weren't here. After you..." I pause for a moment, gathering my thoughts, "After you disappeared, we all kind of fell into a kind of funk. At least, that's what Jim told me; I wasn't really with it for a while." We both fall silent, picking at our food. "But it's in the past now," I exclaim, "We only need to be concerned about the future."

"_Our_ future," Len murmurs, and he gets that shine in his eyes. I look down, but I can't hide my smile. When I told him a week ago that I was expecting again, he could barely contain his happiness. In fact, he nearly knocked out a light in Sick Bay. And Tyler threatened to tie him down for another three days if he didn't stop jumping around.

However, I know that there's still something else that needs to be brought out into the open.

"Hey guys," says a familiar voice. I don't look up immediately, trying to quell the fear rising up through my gut.

"Jim, how you doing?" says Len. Jim shrugs melodramatically.

"Oh you know, searching for psychopathic aliens, making sure the ship is still in one piece, eating lunch with my best friend," Jim replies lightly, stabbing at his taco salad.

"That's all?" jokes Len, "No woman of the day today?"

Jim pauses, setting down his fork. "Bones, there hasn't been a woman of the day for several months. I thought you woulda figured that out after I stopped showing up for my scheduled contraceptive hypo."

"Oh, that's why..."

"Guys, it's lunch. Your sex life is not up for discussion," I interrupt, trying to mediate the peace once more. We fall silent, but the tension is still thick enough to cut with a knife.

"So how's physio?" asks Jim sullenly.

"Fine, boring as hell, and completely unneeded," Len replies promptly, glaring at his fork.

"Says you," I snark under my breath, the corners of my mouth twitching upwards.

"Darlin', I'm the one with the PhD."

"And I'm your wife; I outrank you."

"That's what you think." We break off laughing. It feels so good to laugh with him again. But as I look back up into Jim's face, I can feel my giggles catch in my throat.

"Um, I think I'm gonna go... You guys obviously still have some catching up to do," he says stiffly, getting up.

"Jim, you don't have to‒"

"No, really, it's no problem. I'll see you guys around." With that, he makes straight for the disposal, not looking back. I sigh, biting my lip; things really aren't going how I wanted them to. I feel like an absolute idiot.

"So Hells... how long did it take before you and Jim ended up together?" asks Len suddenly, and I freeze; how can he possibly know? As I slowly turn and face him, I try to discern what he's feeling, and for once I can't. He looks at me for a few seconds, then turns back to his lunch. "Judging by your silence, you actually did go to him."

"Len, let me explain, please‒" I try to say, but I'm silenced as Len takes my hand, staring me deep into the eye.

"Helen, I don't want to hear it. I don't. I just didn't think you would go off with someone so soon," he says in a low voice, and then I catch it; he's scared I'm going to leave him.

"Look, it wasn't like you left and I threw myself at Jim. I didn't even sleep with him... It's just, one night, I was packing your things..." I break off, closing my eyes as I remembered that night. It's still painful, and not just because of that kiss. Len's only been on the Enterprise for over a week and half, and it's all too easy to imagine what it would still be like without him. "We kissed, that's it. We haven't exactly been on the best terms since then."

Len doesn't move, doesn't say anything. I go cold, wondering if he even believes me. He never told me the entire story about his wife, but if she cheated on him, I don't even want to imagine what this is doing to him now.

"Len, I'm not going to leave you, ever. Not for Jim, not for anyone."

"How can I be sure?" he says suddenly. Before I can do anything, he gets up, leaving me at the table.

_No, no, no..._ I run after him, my heart in my throat. "Wait, please‒" I grab his arm, but he pulls away sharply.

"Don't touch me," he snaps, "I need to think." Without looking at me, he stalks out the door, leaving me as fast as he can.

As much as I want to, I don't blame him. But it doesn't make me feel any better.

A sudden cramp seizes my stomach, and I wince, rubbing at it.

"What's a matter now?" I mumble to it, a little frustrated. Everybody seems angry at me today. But I don't understand why the baby is acting up... and it's a little worrying.

Taking a deep breath, I let the pain subside before moving again. I'll go see Tyler or Chris about it later; I'm due to start in Engineering in fifteen minutes. Pushing it to the back of my mind, I brace myself for the busy afternoon.

* * *

**So, what'd y'all think? I'm trying to show that Jim's changed from being the complete womanizer that he typically is(for now...), but hero!Jim will be back! And Len's reaction is understandable; he's a doctor, he needs to know how to read people, and he's been hurt in the past. Helen may do her best to please him, but she's not perfect. **

**Next chapter: the Dorisians are back. And things are going to get very personal and very deadly.**

**Please R and R if possible! It would make my day in ways you wouldn't imagine.**

**Xxx**

**warriorgrrrl**


	10. Darkness

**Hello, hello, hello! It's been, what, MONTHS since I last updated! I really do have to apologize; I underestimated what school would do to my creative ideas, and I honestly had the hardest time writing ANYTHING. This chapter took much, MUCH longer than I anticipated, and I'll tell you now, I've been working on this ever since my last update, I kid you not. Hopefully, now with school done, I'll be able to get this sucker done; I have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to do, and I do know how I'm ending it, but right now it all depends on how the Muse cooperates; hopefully she's getting her buzz back now that school isn't sucking my brain dry.**

**Thanks to everyone who added this, favorited this, and/or commented; your support is wonderful and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. This is to you guys, and hopefully I'll have the next chapter up soon.**

**Note, though... things are going to be getting extremely dark, and even though I won't be going into any heavy details, know that right now there will be mentions of torture and there will be death. And the emotional turmoil is going to be pretty bad too, so... heads up.**

**I've read over this, made changes to what mistakes I found, but it's still probably mistake ridden; please forgive me, it's been a difficult couple of weeks.**

**Disclaimer: don't own, just borrow, please don't sue.**

**Darkness**

"So, there was a small glitch in the readings for the dilithium core las' night; we need ta see if there's anythin' actually wrong or if the computer's foulin' up agin," says Scotty, handing the PADD to me and Jesse Lewis.

"Another glitch?" asks the ensign incredulously. I raise my eyebrows at Scotty as well; I thought starships were better built than this. If it is another glitch, that makes it the third this week.

"I'm not any happier 'n any of you, but it's our job‒"

Scotty's voice abruptly stops as the air around us swims. I feel the familiar sensation of my stomach seeming to shrink and expand at the same time, but I barely have time to even register it before I find myself somewhere unfamiliar. And wholly unpleasant; fear prickles the back of my neck as I stare wide eyed at my surroundings. Wherever we are, it's dark, damp, and looks more than menacing.

"Oh good, you're all here in one piece," says an oily voice. We spin around, and I set eyes on the only being that could have done this.

"Tell me, do you find your quarters to your satisfaction?" says the Dorisian, grinning nastily at us.

"Who the hell are you?" snarls Scotty, stepping to the front.

"I am called... Tai Parr; perhaps you've heard of me."

For moment, I feel like I'm going to faint; I never thought I'd actually meet my husband's kidnapper face to face. Jesse grabs me to prevent me from collapsing, but we've already attracted the attention of the alien.

"Please, don't hold back. We need to see who's weak," Tai Parr says smoothly.

"Go to hell," somebody spits out, and there's a virulent uptake of the phrase. Tai Parr simply smiles, something that's probably the most terrifying thing I've ever seen.

"You humans and your 'hell'. It doesn't scare me," he says, faking a yawn, "I suppose you're wondering why you've been brought here. No? Well, see, we've kind of been put on the bad end of a business proposition, so you've all been transported here as a sort of... insurance policy."

"Ya sick bastard," Scotty manages to say, shaking with fury.

"Oh, quite, my dear friend. Now, if you'll please sit back and enjoy the show..." He walks over the wall, pressing his finger against a brightly lit screen. "You can move into the next step of the plan. Remember to just wound, not kill. That will get us nowhere." There's a muffled affirmation from the speaker, then Tai Parr makes his way back to us.

"Get comfortable. You're going to be here a while," he sneers at us. With that, we're left to our own devices in this dark and, as I'm quickly finding out, damp space. A sudden wave of panic and nausea overtakes me, and I fight to keep from getting sick. Jesse and Scotty take me to the nearest wall to help me sit down, but it's not helping; I feel very, very wrong.

"Hey, look at me, Helen. We can't have ya blackin' out on us," says Scotty forcefully, but from what little light there is, I know he's worried.

"I'll‒I'll be okay, check the others," I say weakly, but I'm lying. The nausea's gone, but the feeling that something's not right is persisting and just getting worse. Scotty gives me his look that tells me he knows I'm putting on a brave face. "Please... I'm not the only one here with problems," I persist, and he finally stands up and takes charge.

"Right, sound off! Who's all here?" he barks with the authority of an army general. I listen in, and I'm a little disturbed by who's all here: the majority are engineering personnel. Scotty swears under his breath.

"Damn... they got nearly all of engineerin'," he murmurs, and it doesn't help my feelings about the situation. Say what you will about a starship and which crew members are the most valuable, but you can't deny that if the engineering staff has been removed, the ship is as good as dead in the water. Tai Parr obviously did not beam us all out for the heck of it. But it opens up a whole new can of worms: how did he know where we were? How was he able to scan and then beam us out without the Enterprise registering it? And what is he going to do now?

"Right," says Scotty again, breaking into my thoughts, "Now, Ah want everyone to just stay calm and think‒"

"Think about what? We've been taken prisoner! Sir," exclaims someone from the back.

"I realize that, but we cannae just give up," Scotty snaps back.

"Captain, I really don't know how you cope with such argumentative staff, they've been here for what, almost ten minutes and they're already at each other's throats," says Tai Parr, seeming to appear from nowhere. He's talking into a comm device in his hand as he stops in front of us, looking at us like we're meat to be eaten. "Oh, you don't know yet? Well... I've acquired some new pets in the absence of Dr. McCoy."

I'm momentarily blinded as the wall directly in front of us blazes to life and reveals itself to actually be a view screen. Blinking, my eyes adjust and widen as I see the crew, staring at us with something close to fear and shock. Jim tries to regain his composure, but even by just looking at the screen, he's visibly shaken.

"Tai Parr, this is low, even for you," he finally says, his tone attempting to sound icy and furious; he's failing miserably.

"No, my dear friend, this is only the beginning. Clearly, if I'm going to make an impact on you or your precious federation, I've got to up the ante," replies Tai Parr smoothly, "I mean, after the unfortunate incident with Dr. McCoy, we thought we'd better take out a bigger insurance policy."

"Jim, I can't find Helen or Scotty‒" I freeze as I see Len come onto the bridge, his shirt ripped and burnt in places; it's only then that I realize that the Bridge crew is not nearly as pristine as they would be. They were attacked. Concern, rapidly turning to panic, consumes me; what's happened to James?

Len suddenly realizes who's on the screen, and his expression turns from white shock to a deep and dangerous shade of red. "_You_."

Tai Parr smiles. "Me."

"You put these people back here _right now_, you sick bastard, or I will get aboard your ship‒"

"And do what? I'd like to see you actually try, Leonard McCoy." The Dorisian snaps his fingers, and the force field separating us from him is dropped. He stalks over, surveying our group like we're candy. When his gaze finally settles on me, I start shaking, trying to back away, but his hand encircles my wrist and I'm dragged to the front. I'm aware of the others yelling and swearing at Tai Parr, but as they're not swarming over him, I assume the force field has been put back up. It's my last coherent thought, because at that moment, something cold and very sharp presses against my neck, and the only thing I know is terror. "As you can see, I will carry out my threat, starting with this woman."

Len is shaking visibly; he looks ready to pass out. Jim pales noticeably, but tries to remain calm. "Why do you think we care about her?" he asks. The knife presses tighter against my skin; I can feel blood sliding down my neck now.

"Very well, if that's what you feel‒"

"GET YOUR _FUCKING _HANDS OFF OF HER!" Len suddenly explodes, making for the view screen with cold murder written clear on his features. Several staff members have to restrain him, but it hardly does any good.

The knife lifts away from my skin and Tai Parr holds me out in front of him, studying me. I'm still quaking with fear, but it's not the same as before; I can see I now no longer have a quick death ahead of me. He's going to break me to break Len.

"Why Dr. McCoy... I didn't think you were capable of holding such feelings for such an injured waif. Thank you for pointing this out," says Tai Parr eventually. I hear Len swearing, and as I'm shoved back into the prison hold, I catch a glimpse of his face. He's staring at me with something akin to tortured pain, desperation that rips at my soul. This time, I can't stop the tears that rush forth.

"Captain, you have seen what we have. I suggest you meet our request very soon if you want to get most of your crew back in one piece."

"Wait, what do you mean‒"

Tai Parr closes the link and we're plunged into darkness once more. He looks at us, at least, I believe he is, and his voice rings out one more time. "Give them an hour before we have the first victim. Kill one every hour until they meet our demands."

"But sir, what if they won't cooperate?" says a voice from somewhere. It's only then that I realize he has a comm link open.

Tai Parr pauses, staring at us. "Oh, they will. Believe me, they will. Oh, and after dinner, bring me McCoy's woman; there are some things that need to be... put to rest." His head turns towards me, and I shrink back, trying vainly to hide from his gaze. He finally leaves, silent as ever, and we're left alone once again. The silence lengthens; I can hear various people whispering, breathing, and even the odd whimper.

"Sir... what's going to happen to us?" queries a small voice. I'm reminded of Chekov for a moment, but the voice belongs to that of Alice Yan. My heart goes out to the ensign; she's barely nineteen.

"We... The Cap'n will be here before ya know it, lass. He won't let us down," Scotty replies, sounding as if he and Jim share a telepathic link. He goes on to give the rest of the crew a big spiel about how things have been worse before, but Jim and the Enterprise has always come out on top. "The best thing we can do is not panic," he concludes, looking around. There's a few agreeing cheers, but some of the older staff hold back; they know as much as I do that despite Scotty's positivity, both him and some of us know our chances of getting rescued right away are not high.

ON THE ENTERPRISE

JIM'S POV...

"Jim, why aren't we doing anything?" snarls Bones behind me. I ignore him as best I can, but seeing my crew where they were and knowing who has them making me more than a little worried.

"Bones, we need to plan‒"

"Damn planning! They've got Helen, and they will torture them, Jim, they will," Bones persists, pulling me to stop. There's something in his eyes that makes my blood cold. I'm hit by the sudden thought that, no matter what happens, he will kill before the end of this.

"Bones, we can't just go in guns blazing, you know that. We're missing over half of engineering, the ship's in pieces, we've got casualties from the attack‒"

"Jim, we don't go after them now, they will be dead in less than a week, probably less than a day. We go now, or I'm committing mutiny." We both fall silent, Bones breathing hard.

"Okay, okay," I say finally, "We'll go after them. But we're gonna need your help, you've been around the Dorisians more than we have. We can't take them on without your knowledge."

Bones nods fervently. "You got it. I'll tell you all I know."

"Good. Let's get this rescue on the way."

HELEN'S POV

The minutes have passed by in a way I haven't been familiar with since the attack over three years ago. The darkness is almost the same; the pain though, is different. For the past little while, I've been cramping, badly. The feeling of wrongness that I'd been experiencing earlier has gotten much worse, and now I'm fairly certain of what's happening.

I've never felt so empty.

The lights come up all of a sudden, and I shrink back into my corner instinctively; my first concern is still my baby. There's a shifting of feet and bodies as people turn to see what's happening, but some are like me and just try to ignore it.

"It's been one hour, humans. It's time for the first pay up." A shiver runs down my spine at Tai Parr's words. I finally scrape up the strength to look and see what he's brought. _Oh god..._

Tai Parr stands with his feet slightly spread, a sick smile on his lips, and what has to be the most wicked dagger I've ever seen in his hands. "Lower the force field, grab whoever gets in your way first," he says, and the slight hum drops completely. Two Dorisians rush forward, teeth bared in a predatory manner. Somebody halls me to my feet and pulls me to the very back of the cell; it's Scotty.

"What are you‒"

"Lass, Ah know you're all for fightin' for everyone, but this is not the time to play hero," he snaps at me, glaring at me. His eyes frighten me.

A sudden yelp draws our attention back to the front, and my heart goes cold: they've grabbed Alice.

"No, let her go!" I cry out, and I'm not alone; many of the others have joined in uproar, but nobody can move once again; the force field is back up. The view screen has been activated, and I can see Jim and Len, along many more people than usual, on the Bridge. Tai Parr walks forward.

"The clock has chimed, Captain Kirk. Do you have the answer we need?"

A muscle twitches in Jim's cheek. "We're working as fast as we can, Tai Parr."

Tai Parr shakes his head with mock sadness. "I'm disappointed, Jim. Now this poor girl is going to pay the price for your inability to act quickly." Before anyone can react, he drives the dagger straight through Alice. Her sharp gasp of pain and shock is quickly cut off by a watery gurgle as blood starts to dribble down the side of her mouth. Tai Parr drops her body to the ground, stepping over her to stand closer to the screen. "That was one. You have... fifty nine minutes till the next." He closes the connection. He turns to us, his eyes searching for someone. I immediately lower myself to the point where I know he can no longer see me.

"Listen to me now," says Tai Parr, "I can't see McCoy's lady friend right now. Now, missy, you can surrender yourself over to me in a half hour _willingly_, or I will kill two of your friends at that time. Your choice." The silence drags out for a minute, then the lights turn off. I slide down the back wall slowly, my heart thumping painfully against my ribs while my life seems to drain out of me. What do I do? What _should_ I do?

"Helen, we won't let him take you‒" Scotty starts to say, but someone cuts him off.

"That‒that dinosaur or whatever he is, is going to kill us to get to her. I like Helen as much as the next person, but are we really willing to let them kill us for her? That's asking too much," they exclaim, and there are a few murmurs of agreement from the others. My heart sinks, but what he said is true; it's not fair what's happening to them on my sake. And as much as it's tearing me apart inside, I know what I have to do.

"Now, you listen here, you lousy mudkip‒"

"Monty, he's right. I can't keep hiding; if I go, maybe we can keep the death down to a minimum," I rasp, the words falling out before I fully comprehend them. Even as I do, a voice in my head screams at me that I'm a complete idiot, this won't solve anything... but living on the Enterprise has shown me a code of honour I didn't have before. And even if some people don't have it in the same way most do, I do try to live by it.

"Lass, you've seen what he's done‒" Scotty starts to say, trying to dissuade me from going, but I hold up my hand, standing up slowly; my lower back is aching steadily now.

"Yeah, I did... and if I do go and talk with Tai Parr, maybe I can buy us all some time, Monty. We can't just sit here like rocks. If I can maybe get through to him, maybe‒maybe things will be okay," I say; my words sound fake even as I say them. I can see I'm not fooling Scotty, and probably no one else, but they stay silent.

"Can Ah get a moment with Helen, by meself, please?" he says finally; the others move off slowly, some avoiding my face while others look at me with guarded expressions. When they've moved as far as they can to give Scotty and me a good bubble of space, he closes the distance between us, chewing his lip.

"What the hell are you playing at, Helen? You saw what they did ta your man, they won't hesitate to do the same or worse to you," he hisses, fury permeating the air around us.

"It's better than them killing the others‒"

"Is it? Yeah, maybe for an hour or two, but if we don' get help within the next twelve, we're gonna be done regardless; ya won't solve anythin' by turnin' yourself in. I know that much for a fact."

I swallow, trying to make sure that when I do open my mouth, I don't start yelling at him. "So, you propose that I sit here and watch those crazy dinosaurs kill us off one by one? I'm not some princess in the tower, Monty, I'm a goddamn engineer."

"Helen... please. Jus' think for a minute. You have a family, you've got the doctor, your boy... You're willing to throw them away?"

Scotty's words finally strike a nerve, and my throat starts to close up. "I'm doing this so maybe they can live in a world where these Dorisians are threatening everyone's life," I murmur shakily. We fall silent for a moment before Scotty nods slowly. He looks at me, and the hollow resignation in his eyes is so uncharacteristic that I swallow any and all words still lurking in my throat.

"Fine, lass, but this habit of sacrificing yourself for others is only going to get you killed one day." Placing his hand on my shoulder, he disappears into the crowd, not talking to anyone. Somewhere in my heart, I know he's telling the truth.

"_Well, you're healing up nicely," said Leonard, washing his hands as I pulled my tunic back over my head. "You sleeping better now?"_

_I didn't reply right away, trying to think of some way to create a convincing lie. "Um, yeah..."_

_The doctor turned around to face me, his expression none too pleased. "Helen, if you start acting like Jim, I'll start treating you like Jim. And believe me, you don't want that."_

_I sighed, swinging my legs a little forlornly, not wanting to remember the dream. "Okay, fine, I haven't been sleeping well. I still‒I still have memories of what happened."_

_Leonard slowed washing his hands, not looking at me. "Do you... do you want to talk about it?"_

"_What are you, my counsellor?"_

"_Actually, I had to take several psychology and sociology courses, and even though I'm not certified, I have a good ear. I am a doctor, after all." _

_The way I understood it was 'talk or I'm going to go Freud on your ass'. He must have seen my look of annoyance, because his expression softened._

"_It's better than bottling it up, believe me. I know I haven't really pressed you to talk about what happened, but I can see what not talking is doing to you, even if you don't yet. And if you want, this can be off the record, for now," he said, looking at me and not blinking those beautiful eyes of his. All I thought was damn him and his stupid persuasions. He was completely right, of course. I knew I needed to talk about it, but I was the kind of person who didn't talk until it was too late; maybe Leonard could break me of that._

"_We were hiking... there were some really good fruit bushes about five minutes from home, and it was my family's turn to go and collect them. It was a beautiful day... My brother, Sam, and I, we went up a bit more, while Mom and Dad stayed down below. Sammy and I... well, we were like Jim and you, you know. Close, real close, complete opposites though. Sam, Sammy, he was the serious one, always trying to keep me out of trouble, trying to act smarter then he really was... That was the funny part, because I was the older kid. Mom and Dad always said I was supposed to be the serious one, the mentor to Sam. Said I should have been born second." I was babbling, and I knew it. Leonard hadn't moved, hadn't said anything, but he was looking at me with an expression of sympathy. _

"_You okay?" he asked quietly. I laughed, my eyes suddenly burning._

"_Yeah, perfect. So anyways, Sam and I, we were picking these berries, although I was eating more of them than I was picking. Bad habit of mine. He told me to stop eating, and I was just going to retaliate, when it really quiet, all the animals, the insects, it just went dead. Now, we'd been living in the colony our entire lives, and we knew that when things got real quiet, real fast, something really bad is coming. The worst thing that lives in our area is the Rackla. It's this great big thing, all teeth and claws, and it acts like a rabid animal, even though there's nothing wrong with it._

"_We‒we didn't know it was there until it jumped us. Got a hold of Sam first, and I‒I couldn't let that happen. I jumped on that thing's back, kicked it, scratched it, bit it, anything to get it away from my brother‒" This time, I did break off for good, as I started sobbing almost to the point of hysterics. I could still see everything, the Rackla throwing me off and going straight to savaging me. Then Sam appeared, bleeding heavily, but he still somehow was trying to get the thing off of me. I know I yelled at him to get away, but then the Rackla's tail swung around and hit me in the head. The next thing I knew, I was being taken into some place I had never seen before by a doctor I didn't know._

_I didn't realize Leonard was standing right in front of me until I felt a hand on my shoulder. Through tear blurred eyes, I looked up to meet his gaze. He looks a little shaken, something I didn't expect from him._

"_I'm sorry," he murmured, "I am truly sorry."_

"_Yo, doc, I'm here for the lady‒" We both jumped as Jim came in, bright eyed and grinning. His expression did a complete one eighty the minute he saw the look on both our faces._

"_What the hell did you do to her?" he snarled, glaring at Leonard with something close to fury. Leonard left me immediately, dragging Jim into some remote corner so I couldn't hear them. I concentrated on wiping my eyes, but they were only now starting to ebb off; I didn't want to know what I looked like at this very moment, but for some reason it didn't matter either. For the first time since I'd come here, I felt a tiny bit better._

"_Hey Hells, you want to head out? Scotty said he had some journals you might like to read?" said Jim, interrupting my train of thought. I looked up into those blue eyes, and all I could see was being a friend in a time of need, not someone who wanted to fool around. I nodded slowly and got up, taking the hand Jim offered me. He and Leonard exchanged a glance, and something passed between them; it wasn't until a few weeks later that I was told what they knew, and it didn't go over well the first time._

"So, miss, you going to come willingly, or do we have to snap the necks of some more of your friends?" comes the now dreaded voice. Like Moses parting the seas, everyone moved to the sides till I had a clear view of Tai Parr. The alien's face spreads as a grin swipes over his mouth. As soon as I see that smile, I know I'm never going to make it off this ship alive. I move forward automatically, barely registering what I'm doing. The force field drops and I step over. I hear it go back up as soon as I'm across, and it's the only thing I hear; everything and everyone else is silent.

"Well, I am surprised. Pleased, but surprised," purrs Tai Parr.

"Cut the bullshit. You have me now, you got what you wanted," I spit back, letting all my fury seep into my voice. I can almost see the pleasure in his eyes.

"Yes... but not everything. Shall we go?" He waves the way, and I go, entering the dark hall we'd seen him disappear down already a few times.

The ship is very dark. Lights punctuate the blackness every once in a while, but other than that, I see nothing. It's damp though, and the air smells slightly rotten; this is not place where life is cherished. And as soon as we enter the room, our destination, my theory is only proved.

Images from the Spanish Inquisition fill my head, death camps from the Second World War, and witch burnings joining the mix. This room is meant to cause pain, to create wounds that go deeper than skin and muscle. Pure instinctual fear floods my being, and I turn to run. I don't get far as a scaly arm snakes around my neck, bruising my trachea and dragging me back into this torture chamber.

"Welcome, my dear, to hell."

**Cliff hanger for you guys; I do apologize, but this chapter is already a long sucker. Actually, the next few probably will be. I don't know yet; I've got plans and I'll be working on the next one tomorrow. The next chapter will start off with Jim's POV, probably be that way for the most part; it's ambush time! And Starfleet is joining in BIG time.**

**Thanks for reading, and comment if possible; makes my day!**

**Love and hugs!**


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